2011 is about to start and how new beginnings almost always take me to some kind of reckoning of childhood tales with my grandma.
I remember when I had my first period my granny had to let me jump off three steps down the staircase. She said we have to do that so every episode will only last three days. She then told me to keep away from water on those days. I always trusted my granny - when at the height of my puberty years I had longer, stronger and harder case I come to wonder why. I just thought it could be because I myself was not even sure when I actually had it first. Our helper saw my underwear being soiled while I was carelessly playing and my knicker showed. When she called my attention I then had a shower and changed. It was only after a couple of days when she told my grandmother what she saw and my grandmother put me into such ritual. Consequently the thing did not work.
Then comes new year things. Some of my friends at new year's eve jump as high as they could around a post or pillar. They believe it will make them grow tall. I never had the chance to do that at any of the new years that passed and I come to think perhaps if I did it then maybe I have grown beyond 157 centimetres and my rude tall friend will not have the chance to pick on me and call me too short.
Another new year activity that we usually take time to do is gathering 12 rounded fruits with no black seeds within it. 12 represents every month of the year and the rounded shape is to symbolize how life should roll with a yearlong supply of money ( a coin being round ). Black seem to have a negative connotation which could have explained why the seed should not be that colour. I come to think that black being blanco is the absence of all colours and of course we always hope for prosperity and colours in our daily existence. One thing though I am quite happy that being in New Zealand I find acceptance with my affinity to black - I simply find black elegant.
I remember when the holiday break start we get the chance to dig into our clutter and sort things right. Timely that shortly before the next year comes rubbish are thrown and the surroundings are clean and inorder. What grandma often say was that everything should start right every year. Healthy body, healthy relationships, healthy lifestyle ... and how in new year's day it was expected to look clean with a good bath and nice new dress. Fighting is unwelcome on new year's day infact at Christmas time one is expected to straigthen out differences and past misgivings. Errors happening on CHristmas and New Year is considered wrong timing.
On the practical side of things I like the thought that people should start the year debt free otherwise they get trapped in debt the whole year. Relatively, grandma makes it a point to remind us not to go on a spending spree on new years day or we go squandering the whole year and ending bankrupt.
More to starting the New Year right is keeping the table laden with significant foodstuff to keep the blessings coming in for the year. Steaky rice ( suman, biko, puto maya ) to bond the family close together every day of the year. Fish is for money and pork is for prosperity. Honestly until this time I do not really know how come and why. Interesting to note though that chicken is out as it get food by scratching the ground and it is not a good symbolism to be on "one scratch one eat ". Not to forget that fruits are to be sweet for obvious reasons.
Several rituals we do to make our life right. Fireworks at the start of the year to ward off bad luck and evil. Even the towing or beating of empty cans to make an equivalent sound just to keep the energy around us clear. I have nothing against any of these - everything adds to the fun yet for all the excitement is one still small voice in the depths of our soul who can tell us that peace and happiness streams right from our very own hearts. So on New Year's Day I will be working and will try to make a good turn to the residents. Happy 2011 everyone!
30 December, 2010
22 December, 2010
CHRISTMAS 2010:
Three more sleep and it will be Christmas Day. A day to think about ourselves as followers of the One called Christ. The season brings different meanings to each and everyone of us. Christmas is celebrated in different ways.
Moments in childhood remind me of how I welcomed the season with the thought of opening the gifts under the christmas tree. It was also the time of carols and noels. I reckon children singing Jingle Bells with flattened metal softdrink lids modified into castanets and how the coins are kept handy to give to them. Adult carolers get bills on envelopes though.
Christmas could be the best time of the year in childhood. The school break may be short but festive, colourful and fun. When I was older and working in the Philippine setting I looked forward to Christmas with the 13th month pay and other bonuses. Things are different now but it should not be too bad.
I am on my regular rostered shift on CHristmas day. It may sound sad but really not at all. Working on Christmas day will take the mind out of nostalgia and will benefit the time and a half pay plus a day in lieu. The spirit of giving is not even gone. I feel working on Christmas day is a more significant way of showing affection and care through an honest and full attention to ones role as a health service provider. It is more significant than throwing coins, handing envelopes and packing gifts.
Personally I think it is good to learn to find gratification and earn a silent contentment within our hearts to spend time with the lonely and longing souls. I believe nurturing the ailing and frail spirit within the now thinning skin and porous bones of God's masterpiece could be a great exercise of faith. Of course I love the fun and company of friends which I enjoy most of the time within the year. Surely I have fun with food, wine, music, laughter and even blabber but Christmas is dedicated to a special time of love and service.
When I had that some kinda freaky shift last night with one patient stirring the workplace with her tantrum yelling and slamming the door - one patient crying of depression - another one getting affected and upset starting to scream himself - when other patients coiled in fear as they kept in their room - another one confuse, restless and calling trying to roll off the bed - one wandering, moaning and getting difficult -I can only take a deep breath and say - thanks for the chance to live and grow - strength is the greatest gift I have this Christmas.
Moments in childhood remind me of how I welcomed the season with the thought of opening the gifts under the christmas tree. It was also the time of carols and noels. I reckon children singing Jingle Bells with flattened metal softdrink lids modified into castanets and how the coins are kept handy to give to them. Adult carolers get bills on envelopes though.
Christmas could be the best time of the year in childhood. The school break may be short but festive, colourful and fun. When I was older and working in the Philippine setting I looked forward to Christmas with the 13th month pay and other bonuses. Things are different now but it should not be too bad.
I am on my regular rostered shift on CHristmas day. It may sound sad but really not at all. Working on Christmas day will take the mind out of nostalgia and will benefit the time and a half pay plus a day in lieu. The spirit of giving is not even gone. I feel working on Christmas day is a more significant way of showing affection and care through an honest and full attention to ones role as a health service provider. It is more significant than throwing coins, handing envelopes and packing gifts.
Personally I think it is good to learn to find gratification and earn a silent contentment within our hearts to spend time with the lonely and longing souls. I believe nurturing the ailing and frail spirit within the now thinning skin and porous bones of God's masterpiece could be a great exercise of faith. Of course I love the fun and company of friends which I enjoy most of the time within the year. Surely I have fun with food, wine, music, laughter and even blabber but Christmas is dedicated to a special time of love and service.
When I had that some kinda freaky shift last night with one patient stirring the workplace with her tantrum yelling and slamming the door - one patient crying of depression - another one getting affected and upset starting to scream himself - when other patients coiled in fear as they kept in their room - another one confuse, restless and calling trying to roll off the bed - one wandering, moaning and getting difficult -I can only take a deep breath and say - thanks for the chance to live and grow - strength is the greatest gift I have this Christmas.
08 December, 2010
THANK YOU 2010:
Time flies and how 2010 is about to pass. Life as it is has always been and will always be a time of learning and growth. Learning can be different things. Some learn things easy and fun, others learn big and hard. Looking back it seem silly to realize how life has taught us about a few simple facts without learning it well enough. We all have our weaknesses where we almost always fail but cannot seem to manage to fix it fast enough. I have my own share of failures too but which I do not regret. The greatest gift I can give to myself is forgiveness and a chance to prove myself again.
Time when I broke down with disgust against traitors. People who can be so pleasing and convincing but lethal to the core. For once I felt I had enough of those and how hard it is for me to learn. Maybe at least I should learn to reserve some room for doubt on everyone and be discreet about my passions. People told me many times not to trust but here I am totally honest and open with my thoughts and heart. I make myself vulnerable to users of all sorts.
If it be true that people born in the star of Pisces are dreamers then perhaps I live in a dream. Maybe believing that the world is beautiful and life is wonderful is an illusion. If my world be a dream then the reality of envy, hatred and jealousy are my nightmares. Crabs are my greatest enemy and how they wreak havoc on my peaceful nerves. Yet I cannot waste my time sleeping with these individuals for no one can distract my happiness for long - I am blessed as I am and it is not enough to make my existence bitter. I am glad with the chance to find a few true friendship among the billions of us here on earth. But yes at one time and another there will always be people who will try to make us miserable even for a moment.
With moments in 2010 coming to a close I can smile with glee in my soul. I have experienced the wonders of nature and awed by the magnificense of creation. I have spread my wings and conquered some heights - I was pinned down by the circumstances of my back which only made me appreciate the sweetness of sincere relationships. I have seen meaning and gained insights of every bit of challenges that teased my existence and I should be ready to face new revelations.
My sincere thanks to friends who stood by me through the years - Edson, Mikay and Raul(for my Canon) - Ian and Herbert - Ryan M and Ryan C - Paul Cyprian L - Wildflower - McMc - those who trusted me : Brenda, Leshane, Angie, Lee, Jasinta, Jessah, Gerry , Insik , Vanet, Donna Lea, Tantan even those that I have only met this year and didnt have the chance to bond more but did spend cheers together like KC and Jonlee, Ianna, Jhong, Gracia, Mercy - to those who had me in their thoughts but I understand were busy with their own struggle you surely have a share of my goodwill.
Yet to a few who looked at me with contempt and had abused my name. To you who sucked my energy and had survived with my efforts, my passion and my feelings - I can manage to thank you too for you have made me stronger and smarter to carry on to a better world. My wish is for everyone to blossom with happiness, peace and joy in each ones heart. Happy Christian season and Blessed 2011 ahead of us all.
Time when I broke down with disgust against traitors. People who can be so pleasing and convincing but lethal to the core. For once I felt I had enough of those and how hard it is for me to learn. Maybe at least I should learn to reserve some room for doubt on everyone and be discreet about my passions. People told me many times not to trust but here I am totally honest and open with my thoughts and heart. I make myself vulnerable to users of all sorts.
If it be true that people born in the star of Pisces are dreamers then perhaps I live in a dream. Maybe believing that the world is beautiful and life is wonderful is an illusion. If my world be a dream then the reality of envy, hatred and jealousy are my nightmares. Crabs are my greatest enemy and how they wreak havoc on my peaceful nerves. Yet I cannot waste my time sleeping with these individuals for no one can distract my happiness for long - I am blessed as I am and it is not enough to make my existence bitter. I am glad with the chance to find a few true friendship among the billions of us here on earth. But yes at one time and another there will always be people who will try to make us miserable even for a moment.
With moments in 2010 coming to a close I can smile with glee in my soul. I have experienced the wonders of nature and awed by the magnificense of creation. I have spread my wings and conquered some heights - I was pinned down by the circumstances of my back which only made me appreciate the sweetness of sincere relationships. I have seen meaning and gained insights of every bit of challenges that teased my existence and I should be ready to face new revelations.
My sincere thanks to friends who stood by me through the years - Edson, Mikay and Raul(for my Canon) - Ian and Herbert - Ryan M and Ryan C - Paul Cyprian L - Wildflower - McMc - those who trusted me : Brenda, Leshane, Angie, Lee, Jasinta, Jessah, Gerry , Insik , Vanet, Donna Lea, Tantan even those that I have only met this year and didnt have the chance to bond more but did spend cheers together like KC and Jonlee, Ianna, Jhong, Gracia, Mercy - to those who had me in their thoughts but I understand were busy with their own struggle you surely have a share of my goodwill.
Yet to a few who looked at me with contempt and had abused my name. To you who sucked my energy and had survived with my efforts, my passion and my feelings - I can manage to thank you too for you have made me stronger and smarter to carry on to a better world. My wish is for everyone to blossom with happiness, peace and joy in each ones heart. Happy Christian season and Blessed 2011 ahead of us all.
23 November, 2010
CRAB MENTALITY: Super
Some people are lucky. They have the heart that is full of grace, it does not have room for jealousy and pain. They are the ones who despite age has maintained the peace, quiet and contentment of what they have achieved for themselves. People with gracious hearts are luckier when their spirit is guided by the passion for finer beauty. Life may never be perfect, but people who are governed by sound intellectual goals think about better ways of living. They are those who try to give meaning to their existence by sincere effort to establish dignity in their work and relationships.
Success has different pathways to it. Some have easier access to it others may take a longer bit. Gracious people know their own time and enjoys every minute of it. A pure hearted individual is happy to find everyone grow and blossom even finds gratification helping others show the way. They do not care about credits and where they go - all that matter is that things are done and everyone comes out fantastic with the whole work.
On one side of human survival are people who are simply open and honest about themselves. They come out straight and sincere and welcomes truth without any tinge of malice. For that they may come out strong and stirring but they accept mistakes and apologize for honest errors. They understand their imperfections and humble enough to be sorry for any discomfort they may cause others.
On the other side of the coin are people that dampens the spirit even the gracious ones. They are those who find it hard to appreciate the goodwill and blessings that come into their lives. Persons who despite title, rank and position find themselves alone and helpless that they reflect to others their own fears. They are those that appear innocent and harmless when deep in their system runs the venom of destruction. Sad to say, people of this kind has the gift of tongue to come out convincing and credible. More they are those that sparkle with talent to sound sweet and loving. In the negative term they are complete traitors.
In a world where it is hard to tell which one is real - life needs to be subtle and even untrusting. It is nice to have friends and perhaps I am lucky to have some that stayed for years. Friends that have the time to hang on even at times when I was down. I had heaps of CRABS as well. I searched the web for the meaning and tried to understand how they work.
According to Jon E. Royeca: " Universal attitude. Crab mentality is a human habit similar to what crabs do when put in a basket. If the basket is left with no heavy cover, the crabs inside it will all have gotten out fast in less than an hour. If the basket is weak, they go to one side and cause it to fall toward it, thus freeing them all. If the basket is designed against their escape, they cannot all go out.
They all try to get out of where they are, and in that process pull each other down, whether they succeed in getting out or not. For them, pulling down or stepping on others is a fact of their existence. It is natural for them in the quest for success or when confronting failure.
Crab mentality is also part of humanity. It simply is envy. (Crabs do not envy one another; they just want to be free.)
Humans envy and try to outdo each other because of selfishness and greed, but not all the time. When one envies somebody, one of his natural reactions is to knock him down, but this does not always happen. Each one of us may envy, yet we do not always pull others down. We usually just keep to ourselves those envious feelings and then let them go away".
As for myself Im so tiny for people to see but poor CRAB you cannot let a pass off me. I will never attempt to harm you and will keep my dignified ground of personal security. You can have your time for surely everything you are will flash back on yourself. Your meat is delicious I can eat you but no thank you - I should not eat rotten souls.
Success has different pathways to it. Some have easier access to it others may take a longer bit. Gracious people know their own time and enjoys every minute of it. A pure hearted individual is happy to find everyone grow and blossom even finds gratification helping others show the way. They do not care about credits and where they go - all that matter is that things are done and everyone comes out fantastic with the whole work.
On one side of human survival are people who are simply open and honest about themselves. They come out straight and sincere and welcomes truth without any tinge of malice. For that they may come out strong and stirring but they accept mistakes and apologize for honest errors. They understand their imperfections and humble enough to be sorry for any discomfort they may cause others.
On the other side of the coin are people that dampens the spirit even the gracious ones. They are those who find it hard to appreciate the goodwill and blessings that come into their lives. Persons who despite title, rank and position find themselves alone and helpless that they reflect to others their own fears. They are those that appear innocent and harmless when deep in their system runs the venom of destruction. Sad to say, people of this kind has the gift of tongue to come out convincing and credible. More they are those that sparkle with talent to sound sweet and loving. In the negative term they are complete traitors.
In a world where it is hard to tell which one is real - life needs to be subtle and even untrusting. It is nice to have friends and perhaps I am lucky to have some that stayed for years. Friends that have the time to hang on even at times when I was down. I had heaps of CRABS as well. I searched the web for the meaning and tried to understand how they work.
According to Jon E. Royeca: " Universal attitude. Crab mentality is a human habit similar to what crabs do when put in a basket. If the basket is left with no heavy cover, the crabs inside it will all have gotten out fast in less than an hour. If the basket is weak, they go to one side and cause it to fall toward it, thus freeing them all. If the basket is designed against their escape, they cannot all go out.
They all try to get out of where they are, and in that process pull each other down, whether they succeed in getting out or not. For them, pulling down or stepping on others is a fact of their existence. It is natural for them in the quest for success or when confronting failure.
Crab mentality is also part of humanity. It simply is envy. (Crabs do not envy one another; they just want to be free.)
Humans envy and try to outdo each other because of selfishness and greed, but not all the time. When one envies somebody, one of his natural reactions is to knock him down, but this does not always happen. Each one of us may envy, yet we do not always pull others down. We usually just keep to ourselves those envious feelings and then let them go away".
As for myself Im so tiny for people to see but poor CRAB you cannot let a pass off me. I will never attempt to harm you and will keep my dignified ground of personal security. You can have your time for surely everything you are will flash back on yourself. Your meat is delicious I can eat you but no thank you - I should not eat rotten souls.
22 August, 2010
TIME TO KEEP MY SIDE OF THE BARGAIN:
Sometime years ago while at work I had a gnawing lumbo-sacral pain that had intensified to the front of my stomach. I was about 90 kms away from my base which at that time was at least three hours ride up to my safety in a good hospital. The pain was excruciating, I started throwing up - I thought I was at the end of life and was thinking about my daughter who was very young with no one to be with - I knew I need to talk to God.
Poker faced, I took the front seat of the van with the rest of the passengers not knowing the intensity of my burden. I took a glance at my image on the side mirror to make sure that should I ran out of breath and slipped to oblivion, I will appear presentable enough. Closing my eyes to hide the suffering - I bargained with God : Please I said, my child is too young to be left alone and to manage a good future. Can I stay even until she finished school and if Thou think that I deserve more years let me do it to serve Thee for Thy greater honour and glory.
Humbling the experience, God helped me through the ordeal. From the van terminal I asked the driver to take me to the hospital - he was hesitant but took me anyway. For some reasons I had to be at a "general patronage" hospital. At the entrance, I grab my own wheelchair and wheeled myself to the emergency ward. While at the emergency ward, I rang my supervisor who was at a meeting and who sent my group leader to check on me. Alone, I had the priviledge to enjoy "faster" treatment by virtue of my connection to the office surely it was nothing compared to the comfort and style of the better hospital in my country. Family and friends came ready to assist my transfer but due to the urgency of my case the surgeon had to work on me as soon as possible. As there was no private room available I was in a ward with all the ailing and disadvantaged people. In short - I had surgery and was saved with almost no money being spent ... I had my own experience with the situation.
I went back to work and was able to live the life me and my daughter normally had. Things happened till the pressure of leaving the country came. I had other plans but circumstances brought me to New Zealand. Starting a life in a new and strange place, I had to strip myself of the seal that was labeled on me for a time. I am to become a stranger, unknown and alone - I needed to start building a name and establish an identity even cheated and used by my own fellowman. Two years as a care-giver I experienced and learned things that taught me humility, patience and self control. Then was the dramatic struggle and impressive work of art that Divine intervention ceremoniously testified on my success.
I was taken from administrative nursing to the clinical field at a Long Term Care ward. Time and again, I am reminded of my side of the bargain and what better time for Him to tell me when He registered me a nurse in New Zealand just in time when my daughter finished school. By then I understood the message - time for me to keep my side of the bargain - I am to manifest His glory to where He has taken and put me into. As I deal with my job I am strengthened by my day to day relationship with the residents - I can recall a similar phrase being told to me by at least five of the people I have served ... I am different, I am more than a nurse they say.
If just for the Plan that He has which I know can only be for the best - I believed Miracles are happening and will continue to happen. In my imperfections, He has allowed me to enjoy so much attention, care and love. He gives me ample time to rest and think. He puts me in the right places at the right time and all with His generous support. He uses and measures the perfect ingredients to purify my spirit and takes me to fight the right challenges to strengthen my intellect yet shield me with the right armour against destruction. Now I Praised the Holy Name of my God the Father of my soul... He has worked to give me Peace ... So be it.
Poker faced, I took the front seat of the van with the rest of the passengers not knowing the intensity of my burden. I took a glance at my image on the side mirror to make sure that should I ran out of breath and slipped to oblivion, I will appear presentable enough. Closing my eyes to hide the suffering - I bargained with God : Please I said, my child is too young to be left alone and to manage a good future. Can I stay even until she finished school and if Thou think that I deserve more years let me do it to serve Thee for Thy greater honour and glory.
Humbling the experience, God helped me through the ordeal. From the van terminal I asked the driver to take me to the hospital - he was hesitant but took me anyway. For some reasons I had to be at a "general patronage" hospital. At the entrance, I grab my own wheelchair and wheeled myself to the emergency ward. While at the emergency ward, I rang my supervisor who was at a meeting and who sent my group leader to check on me. Alone, I had the priviledge to enjoy "faster" treatment by virtue of my connection to the office surely it was nothing compared to the comfort and style of the better hospital in my country. Family and friends came ready to assist my transfer but due to the urgency of my case the surgeon had to work on me as soon as possible. As there was no private room available I was in a ward with all the ailing and disadvantaged people. In short - I had surgery and was saved with almost no money being spent ... I had my own experience with the situation.
I went back to work and was able to live the life me and my daughter normally had. Things happened till the pressure of leaving the country came. I had other plans but circumstances brought me to New Zealand. Starting a life in a new and strange place, I had to strip myself of the seal that was labeled on me for a time. I am to become a stranger, unknown and alone - I needed to start building a name and establish an identity even cheated and used by my own fellowman. Two years as a care-giver I experienced and learned things that taught me humility, patience and self control. Then was the dramatic struggle and impressive work of art that Divine intervention ceremoniously testified on my success.
I was taken from administrative nursing to the clinical field at a Long Term Care ward. Time and again, I am reminded of my side of the bargain and what better time for Him to tell me when He registered me a nurse in New Zealand just in time when my daughter finished school. By then I understood the message - time for me to keep my side of the bargain - I am to manifest His glory to where He has taken and put me into. As I deal with my job I am strengthened by my day to day relationship with the residents - I can recall a similar phrase being told to me by at least five of the people I have served ... I am different, I am more than a nurse they say.
If just for the Plan that He has which I know can only be for the best - I believed Miracles are happening and will continue to happen. In my imperfections, He has allowed me to enjoy so much attention, care and love. He gives me ample time to rest and think. He puts me in the right places at the right time and all with His generous support. He uses and measures the perfect ingredients to purify my spirit and takes me to fight the right challenges to strengthen my intellect yet shield me with the right armour against destruction. Now I Praised the Holy Name of my God the Father of my soul... He has worked to give me Peace ... So be it.
21 August, 2010
THE OTHER SIDE OF ME :
Deep in my heart I know Divinity. I look around and even into my own life surely I find wonders and splendour beyond what human logic can comprehend. Somehow even in the lamiest of worldly vanities I am compounded and kept away from the intimacy of my God. Many instances in my lifetime, the Father of my soul has faithfully testified of His love and power supporting my existence in this temporal world - he knows my heart - yet frail is my flesh I can fall sometimes even ruin His temple.
It upsets me to realize what a ferocious and fearless enemy I can become. My vengeance can be endless. Sometimes I look at the mirror and wonder how my friends could find me kind and pure in heart when at the end of my patience I can be a monster. Like a spoiled child having tantrums I can feel the Father's warm and tender arms holding me close trying to pacify and ease my anger. Yes I have been given much - I have been given favours others are begging to have - it is time to give others the chance to enjoy some of what I got.
Twice, a friend told me - Divine plan is greater than my mistake - surely I know somehow I just have to choose to be humble and trust in the wisdom of God. In life are choices and living is a matter of making decisions - more in the end of it all glory is judged as to learnings, progress, achievements based on the criteria of faith and righteouness. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable considering that everything has a reason and purpose for being and how I have to deal with people I am bound to get back and get even. It is never my desire to hurt but how I easily get prompted with any form of abuse.
To all my friends this I have accepted - the positive side you see is just a part of me. I am mortal and I am not perfect - if you my friend wish to help me please strengthen me with honesty and sincerity. My humour and patience could be long but this is no guarantee you are free when you abuse me.
It upsets me to realize what a ferocious and fearless enemy I can become. My vengeance can be endless. Sometimes I look at the mirror and wonder how my friends could find me kind and pure in heart when at the end of my patience I can be a monster. Like a spoiled child having tantrums I can feel the Father's warm and tender arms holding me close trying to pacify and ease my anger. Yes I have been given much - I have been given favours others are begging to have - it is time to give others the chance to enjoy some of what I got.
Twice, a friend told me - Divine plan is greater than my mistake - surely I know somehow I just have to choose to be humble and trust in the wisdom of God. In life are choices and living is a matter of making decisions - more in the end of it all glory is judged as to learnings, progress, achievements based on the criteria of faith and righteouness. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable considering that everything has a reason and purpose for being and how I have to deal with people I am bound to get back and get even. It is never my desire to hurt but how I easily get prompted with any form of abuse.
To all my friends this I have accepted - the positive side you see is just a part of me. I am mortal and I am not perfect - if you my friend wish to help me please strengthen me with honesty and sincerity. My humour and patience could be long but this is no guarantee you are free when you abuse me.
08 July, 2010
TO THOSE WHO ARE WONDERING WHO AND WHY ?
I am excited with the thought of the unknown - it stimulates my mind to imagine pleasant possibilities yet wisdom warns me to be prepared for the worst.
I enjoy company but I can only survive times with those of intelligent and healthy minds.
I am prepared to be of help yet it hurts me to be used.
I aimed to enjoy every moment of my life yet I'm only human to fret about the destructive sting of suckers at times.
I love the challenges of work but I am irritated by the arrogant and attention seeking behaviour of the insecure souls on the sideline.
I am gratified by my humble achievements even when it blinds the green-eyed creatures of the wild. Sorry if you cant stand the glare.
I am happy as I am - I do not paint my face anymore.
I dressed myself for comfort, decency and within my budget not to impress.
I am a private person and I know who I am despite the times when people made up their own stories.
I love myself and I do not wonder that others are jealous of it.
I am pleased when other people smile with joy and it bewilders me to think why others get hurt to see a happy person.
I tame my own instincts and live my wild desires; I am not as hungry to eat a rotten and infectious meat regardless when they are well dressed and served on golden platters.
I just can not care how, where, and who other people are - I live with my own principle of goodwill and justice - and live within my own boundaries my only hope is for others to love themselves as well rather than spend time caring for what they can never be.
I enjoy company but I can only survive times with those of intelligent and healthy minds.
I am prepared to be of help yet it hurts me to be used.
I aimed to enjoy every moment of my life yet I'm only human to fret about the destructive sting of suckers at times.
I love the challenges of work but I am irritated by the arrogant and attention seeking behaviour of the insecure souls on the sideline.
I am gratified by my humble achievements even when it blinds the green-eyed creatures of the wild. Sorry if you cant stand the glare.
I am happy as I am - I do not paint my face anymore.
I dressed myself for comfort, decency and within my budget not to impress.
I am a private person and I know who I am despite the times when people made up their own stories.
I love myself and I do not wonder that others are jealous of it.
I am pleased when other people smile with joy and it bewilders me to think why others get hurt to see a happy person.
I tame my own instincts and live my wild desires; I am not as hungry to eat a rotten and infectious meat regardless when they are well dressed and served on golden platters.
I just can not care how, where, and who other people are - I live with my own principle of goodwill and justice - and live within my own boundaries my only hope is for others to love themselves as well rather than spend time caring for what they can never be.
24 June, 2010
THE WILD IN THE INSIDE:
Times when people try to bully another for reasons misunderstood. Human as we are we get affected to some point yet I believed the best idea to hang on is "to him much is given to him much is required". Personally when I am confronted with unpleasant circumstances I tell myself I need to thank the people concern as they remind me I am alive, feeling and thinking.
By default, ladies are to be decent in appearance, courteous in speech and respectful in actions. More, education has added several items for expectation like being smart with our decisions and being able to tame our emotions. Meaning ladies understand poise and have class and distinction. Having explored a foreign land has taught me deeper insights about survival enhancing my very own self esteem which surely challenges the weaklings and teases the untamed instinct of the ignorants. It can be boring to the spiritually dead with mental lapses as well.
The first time I was bullied by a huge, ugly and loud woman - I simply took my ground, said nothing but fixed sharp glances straight into her eyes. Keeping my ground was just to tell her that I am not at all scared by her size - silence to warn her of the many things I know and fixing the sharp stare to say I will see you again someday, somewhere for whatever reason and then we ended up in friendship. Another time was by an all knowing, noisy and restless woman who tried to impress everyone not knowing that I was the one auditing her deficiencies. By then I tried to teach her a lesson by dutifully doing her idea and let her eat it back by letting her do all the consequences of it. Too bad she was too immature to realize we have mastered almost every corner of our job when she was only experimenting with her whims and caprices.
One time my man friend told me that I was being very possessive and demanding. Before I went to sleep I thought about it and tried to reconcile the possibility of truth in it. I realized I was getting everything I wanted and feeling very comfortable with our relationship I wanted it to last. Wanting him with me all the time was some kind of dependence I had developed that losing him would cause much pain when we need to part ways. Somehow, I come to think if I want everyone to be happy, maybe it was best to just enjoy every moment of the relationship and just let go when its time to break apart. Just the thought of break up still hurts me but nothing on this world lasts and that is one reality in life I need to face. If I worry now - I will miss the possibility of happy times together as I am being suffocating. To me I believe it is wisdom and wisdom made me quiet, calm and tamed.
On the other hand is the child in every individual. The child that is blind, compulsive and obsessive. There is the child that is helpless and insecure and always scared and fighting. There is the child that is stubborn, selfish and deaf yet wanting for love, acceptance and recognition for their laziness, unreliability and stupidity. The child who is childish and refuses to learn. An entity that is hopeless and ridiculous to believe it is joy to be a burden.
With this thing in mind, I could only shrug my shoulder and smile. I have a choice and how lucky I am to be educated and tamed to learn to act professionally. I can not go down the drains and lose my dignity with a miserable bully. Friends do not be bullied nor be a bully and that is regardless of your stature, skin or accent !
By default, ladies are to be decent in appearance, courteous in speech and respectful in actions. More, education has added several items for expectation like being smart with our decisions and being able to tame our emotions. Meaning ladies understand poise and have class and distinction. Having explored a foreign land has taught me deeper insights about survival enhancing my very own self esteem which surely challenges the weaklings and teases the untamed instinct of the ignorants. It can be boring to the spiritually dead with mental lapses as well.
The first time I was bullied by a huge, ugly and loud woman - I simply took my ground, said nothing but fixed sharp glances straight into her eyes. Keeping my ground was just to tell her that I am not at all scared by her size - silence to warn her of the many things I know and fixing the sharp stare to say I will see you again someday, somewhere for whatever reason and then we ended up in friendship. Another time was by an all knowing, noisy and restless woman who tried to impress everyone not knowing that I was the one auditing her deficiencies. By then I tried to teach her a lesson by dutifully doing her idea and let her eat it back by letting her do all the consequences of it. Too bad she was too immature to realize we have mastered almost every corner of our job when she was only experimenting with her whims and caprices.
One time my man friend told me that I was being very possessive and demanding. Before I went to sleep I thought about it and tried to reconcile the possibility of truth in it. I realized I was getting everything I wanted and feeling very comfortable with our relationship I wanted it to last. Wanting him with me all the time was some kind of dependence I had developed that losing him would cause much pain when we need to part ways. Somehow, I come to think if I want everyone to be happy, maybe it was best to just enjoy every moment of the relationship and just let go when its time to break apart. Just the thought of break up still hurts me but nothing on this world lasts and that is one reality in life I need to face. If I worry now - I will miss the possibility of happy times together as I am being suffocating. To me I believe it is wisdom and wisdom made me quiet, calm and tamed.
On the other hand is the child in every individual. The child that is blind, compulsive and obsessive. There is the child that is helpless and insecure and always scared and fighting. There is the child that is stubborn, selfish and deaf yet wanting for love, acceptance and recognition for their laziness, unreliability and stupidity. The child who is childish and refuses to learn. An entity that is hopeless and ridiculous to believe it is joy to be a burden.
With this thing in mind, I could only shrug my shoulder and smile. I have a choice and how lucky I am to be educated and tamed to learn to act professionally. I can not go down the drains and lose my dignity with a miserable bully. Friends do not be bullied nor be a bully and that is regardless of your stature, skin or accent !
07 June, 2010
THE BOOK I READ :
An acquaintance once gave me a book. The title was interesting although the cover was weird. Simply because it was given to me by someone who alledged that she has read some parts of it and was thinking that it would suit me I thought that the book could possibly reflect an aspect of the giver which was more to the spiritual side of things.
When I started to browse on the initial phrases of the text I was laughing at what I once regard as a humour of the story. I was not particularly impressed especially that I have particular distaste on anything diabolical which was on its cover. However cliches like: do not judge a book by its cover played into my thoughts. Perusing it further I realized that indeed it contained some odd ideas - however for the time that I have spent on it and the few laughs that it gave me I decided to flipped further into the pages trying to see the author rather than the book itself.
As a book I come to think that the story merely reflect the author's sad experiences. Perhaps, the author merely wrote a message that he wanted the readers to understand but does not necessarily mean he wanted it for himself. The chapters went through to the bizarre and cheap truths about sexual laxity and adverse corruption of morality, harassment, promiscuity, sexual diseases and psychological illness. Much as I felt I had too much information to finish reading the book - I felt a strong bond with the author that I wanted to read more not to find out what was being said but hoping to know the author better.
The author had a very shattered self esteem. I realized that much as the author has the potential to act smart and respectable he definitely wanted to play tough and rough. Despite several options he chose the breed of violence, laziness, arrogance, insensitivity, irresponsibility and unreliability. I have read lies, conceit beyond par, maddening illusions and void spiritual existence. Before I could finish the final chapter of the saga - I closed the book - looked back through the times I had diligently and dutifully tried to reach out for that piece of crap that stuck me for 22 months.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my own reflection. I was stunned - the image of a weary woman, the painful look in the eyes with dark patches of eyebags - in horror I asked myself - did I hear myself swearing with anger and hurt getting affected with what I read ??? Where had the spirit people see to be neat and sweet gone ? Oh dear, I could only feel I cheated and deserted my own self - but again I asked - for what good reason do I need to come across THE BOOK ?
The night was so late I climbed to bed and covered my head with the heaviest pillow and cried silently determined that in the morning I will find better things to do. The day was not promising and the weather forecast was horrible but I chucked my camera inside my bag donned on my black esprit and levis and headed for a flight. Coming out of the plane the night drama was camouflaged by Oakley and in the cheerful hugs of friends built the strength to smile again.
When I started to browse on the initial phrases of the text I was laughing at what I once regard as a humour of the story. I was not particularly impressed especially that I have particular distaste on anything diabolical which was on its cover. However cliches like: do not judge a book by its cover played into my thoughts. Perusing it further I realized that indeed it contained some odd ideas - however for the time that I have spent on it and the few laughs that it gave me I decided to flipped further into the pages trying to see the author rather than the book itself.
As a book I come to think that the story merely reflect the author's sad experiences. Perhaps, the author merely wrote a message that he wanted the readers to understand but does not necessarily mean he wanted it for himself. The chapters went through to the bizarre and cheap truths about sexual laxity and adverse corruption of morality, harassment, promiscuity, sexual diseases and psychological illness. Much as I felt I had too much information to finish reading the book - I felt a strong bond with the author that I wanted to read more not to find out what was being said but hoping to know the author better.
The author had a very shattered self esteem. I realized that much as the author has the potential to act smart and respectable he definitely wanted to play tough and rough. Despite several options he chose the breed of violence, laziness, arrogance, insensitivity, irresponsibility and unreliability. I have read lies, conceit beyond par, maddening illusions and void spiritual existence. Before I could finish the final chapter of the saga - I closed the book - looked back through the times I had diligently and dutifully tried to reach out for that piece of crap that stuck me for 22 months.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my own reflection. I was stunned - the image of a weary woman, the painful look in the eyes with dark patches of eyebags - in horror I asked myself - did I hear myself swearing with anger and hurt getting affected with what I read ??? Where had the spirit people see to be neat and sweet gone ? Oh dear, I could only feel I cheated and deserted my own self - but again I asked - for what good reason do I need to come across THE BOOK ?
The night was so late I climbed to bed and covered my head with the heaviest pillow and cried silently determined that in the morning I will find better things to do. The day was not promising and the weather forecast was horrible but I chucked my camera inside my bag donned on my black esprit and levis and headed for a flight. Coming out of the plane the night drama was camouflaged by Oakley and in the cheerful hugs of friends built the strength to smile again.
19 May, 2010
MY GAY WORLD:
It was mothers'day and right from work the tired Bug headed straight for home. The toll of the day seemed to have sucked the energy off the Bug's physical being feeling bored and emotional to the border of loneliness and self pity. The phone rang and came the uplifting voice of cheers - hey happy mother's day ! What are you doing ? How about coffee and a drive ? Oh dear, of course the Bug should not be left sulking - in 10 mins. a pair of gay friends thoughtfully spent time to touch the Bug's heart with glee and fun.
Inside the car we were singing with fondness to the same tune - shared different opinions - talked about the past - present and the future - we gossiped and laughed and surely we talked about our very own lives. Along the city streets we walked holding hands even hanging on in each other's arms, stopped and posed for some pictures, searched out for sale items to buy and even looked for my signature boots. Rain came and comes out the umbrella with one holding it to shield the Bugs fontanels strolling along like a princess and it was a trio of smiles. Such a light and easy moment of friendship and it was with gay friends.
Looking back I remembered the time I first got acquainted with Yanie - Sonia was colouring my hair at home at the same time he was chatting with Yanie on the internet. He opened the cam to introduce me and Yanie saw me with towel wrapped around so I would not stain any of my shirts. Then time came when Yanie had to pick me up and it was the start of a friendship that had lasted to the time - at one moment Yanie had this to say - if I were not gay surely I would be your soulmate your rotten sausage - hahaha.
Sonia on the other hand is one friend who stood with loyalty. Gay as he is but he is the epitome of reliability. Times when I would not show up and here he comes knocking on my windows and door knowing that something is wrong. He is one thoughtful comrade who will look for you and make sure that you are alright. He is one who keeps the bed linens smelling clean and sweet for you to lie on and to say the least one that I can sleep with without the risk of assault.
Ria - and there are two of them. One Ria is vocal and straight - but he is one friend who will fight for you when he had to. He is very talented when it comes to vocals - singing and imitating sounds - I have been fooled several times with his tricks nevertheless I love him. The other one is rather reserve and quiet. He can be exclusive like me but as a friend both of them are always available and accessible when you need them.
Paula is the gorgeous one and up to this time he has proven that time and distance is no obstacle to friendship. He rings and sends text messages if just to show he remembers and keeps me updated with how things are in his life. He is sweet.
Markova is the celebrity type - he is beautiful, sexy and hot. He is honest when it comes to his insights about my acquaintance and would never pretend anything against it. When he is not up to anyone - find him at a distance ignoring the subject yet he is a true friend and that is just how he is.
Julia is the fashionable kind. The demure, classy yet trendy one. We identify to what one man ridiculously called us to have "chicken legs" however Julia justified fashionable people do not have big-bow legs as what his girlfriend had. Anyway, above their physical looks lies an open and honest heart which somehow capture my confidence hanging out with them. They are the kind which despite the obvious illusion of gender comes the reality of feelings and passions.
The Gay World is where I found true and honest relationships - based on sincerity and even courage. I must be clear though that I am a straight female specie who finds friendship in the male gay world which I am writing about. In the gay world I know - I find support and even strength. With the gays I can talk about my fears, my feelings, my longings with respect. The experience somehow made me a better person living with acceptance and understanding of an existence which most people are quite apprehensive about. A world where individuals dare to love in the midst of criticisms and judgments. A world of bravery where so called honorable people are scared to tread. A world that the hypocrites and the arrogants laugh at not being able to realize that within themselves lie the very void from the realities that so called normal people live without.
Inside the car we were singing with fondness to the same tune - shared different opinions - talked about the past - present and the future - we gossiped and laughed and surely we talked about our very own lives. Along the city streets we walked holding hands even hanging on in each other's arms, stopped and posed for some pictures, searched out for sale items to buy and even looked for my signature boots. Rain came and comes out the umbrella with one holding it to shield the Bugs fontanels strolling along like a princess and it was a trio of smiles. Such a light and easy moment of friendship and it was with gay friends.
Looking back I remembered the time I first got acquainted with Yanie - Sonia was colouring my hair at home at the same time he was chatting with Yanie on the internet. He opened the cam to introduce me and Yanie saw me with towel wrapped around so I would not stain any of my shirts. Then time came when Yanie had to pick me up and it was the start of a friendship that had lasted to the time - at one moment Yanie had this to say - if I were not gay surely I would be your soulmate your rotten sausage - hahaha.
Sonia on the other hand is one friend who stood with loyalty. Gay as he is but he is the epitome of reliability. Times when I would not show up and here he comes knocking on my windows and door knowing that something is wrong. He is one thoughtful comrade who will look for you and make sure that you are alright. He is one who keeps the bed linens smelling clean and sweet for you to lie on and to say the least one that I can sleep with without the risk of assault.
Ria - and there are two of them. One Ria is vocal and straight - but he is one friend who will fight for you when he had to. He is very talented when it comes to vocals - singing and imitating sounds - I have been fooled several times with his tricks nevertheless I love him. The other one is rather reserve and quiet. He can be exclusive like me but as a friend both of them are always available and accessible when you need them.
Paula is the gorgeous one and up to this time he has proven that time and distance is no obstacle to friendship. He rings and sends text messages if just to show he remembers and keeps me updated with how things are in his life. He is sweet.
Markova is the celebrity type - he is beautiful, sexy and hot. He is honest when it comes to his insights about my acquaintance and would never pretend anything against it. When he is not up to anyone - find him at a distance ignoring the subject yet he is a true friend and that is just how he is.
Julia is the fashionable kind. The demure, classy yet trendy one. We identify to what one man ridiculously called us to have "chicken legs" however Julia justified fashionable people do not have big-bow legs as what his girlfriend had. Anyway, above their physical looks lies an open and honest heart which somehow capture my confidence hanging out with them. They are the kind which despite the obvious illusion of gender comes the reality of feelings and passions.
The Gay World is where I found true and honest relationships - based on sincerity and even courage. I must be clear though that I am a straight female specie who finds friendship in the male gay world which I am writing about. In the gay world I know - I find support and even strength. With the gays I can talk about my fears, my feelings, my longings with respect. The experience somehow made me a better person living with acceptance and understanding of an existence which most people are quite apprehensive about. A world where individuals dare to love in the midst of criticisms and judgments. A world of bravery where so called honorable people are scared to tread. A world that the hypocrites and the arrogants laugh at not being able to realize that within themselves lie the very void from the realities that so called normal people live without.
04 May, 2010
FAMILIAR TALK :
AIRPORT:
Q - Hi ! Filipino po kayo ?
A - Eh , o o
Q - Matagal na kayo rito ?
A - Ah, not really 6 mos ....
Q - So what are you doing here ?
A - domestic help po .
Q - Bakit laptop mo mahalin na Toshiba ?
A - sa boss ko po ito - minomonitor kasi ako
Q - Matagal na kyo sa work nyo ?
A - hindi sang taon lang ?
Q - kala ko ba ...6 mos lang kayo dito ?
A - yes, 6 mos and 3 years lang.
FIRST ENCOUNTER :
Q - Hi kumusta ka ?
A - Ok lang nice to meet you.
Q - Car mo to ?
A - not really , sa kompanya ito.
Q - single ka ba ?
A - o o
Q - swerti mo naman - PR ka na ?
A - yes, bago lang.
Q - Sponsor mo na ba girlfriend/boyfriend mo ?
A - siguro ....
LUV STORY :
Q - Hi there, your new car ?
A - sure
Q - Magkano ba weekly ?
A - ah hindi bigay ito ng Kiwi partner ko.
Q - Ah ok - madali bang kumuha ng car eh Kiwi partner pala. ?
A - raised eyebrows
SINO ?
Q - boyfriend mo ?
A - friend ko pala si ....
Q - kayo na ba ?
A - eh kami ang magkaribal
Q - Hi ! Filipino po kayo ?
A - Eh , o o
Q - Matagal na kayo rito ?
A - Ah, not really 6 mos ....
Q - So what are you doing here ?
A - domestic help po .
Q - Bakit laptop mo mahalin na Toshiba ?
A - sa boss ko po ito - minomonitor kasi ako
Q - Matagal na kyo sa work nyo ?
A - hindi sang taon lang ?
Q - kala ko ba ...6 mos lang kayo dito ?
A - yes, 6 mos and 3 years lang.
FIRST ENCOUNTER :
Q - Hi kumusta ka ?
A - Ok lang nice to meet you.
Q - Car mo to ?
A - not really , sa kompanya ito.
Q - single ka ba ?
A - o o
Q - swerti mo naman - PR ka na ?
A - yes, bago lang.
Q - Sponsor mo na ba girlfriend/boyfriend mo ?
A - siguro ....
LUV STORY :
Q - Hi there, your new car ?
A - sure
Q - Magkano ba weekly ?
A - ah hindi bigay ito ng Kiwi partner ko.
Q - Ah ok - madali bang kumuha ng car eh Kiwi partner pala. ?
A - raised eyebrows
SINO ?
Q - boyfriend mo ?
A - friend ko pala si ....
Q - kayo na ba ?
A - eh kami ang magkaribal
22 April, 2010
WHY ?
Sunday morning and CM rang ... I was thinking it could be for his morning walk. When I entered his door a pleasant smile glowed on his face - he just wanted to know when I will be ready to assist him with his new routine. The smile caught my fancy - he used to be a difficult person who got irritated with almost anything . He hurled insults on almost all of us but he had changed. Now he is in control with his temper and is having a positive outlook with his life.
For reasons I did not bother to ask myself - I lingered opening his curtains to let more sunshine in. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I was not supposed to be working that day. CM said "you have been working long hours these days and you must be tired " he did not want to stress me and was happy to wait - I recalled once before another man was occupying the same room. One night when I did my rounds I found the previous occupant still awake and in pain - I told tell him , hey you are in pain and you are not even ringing the bell - the man replied - he saw me working hard and doing long hours he wanted me to have a rest. I realized oh no, they are seeing things and they think - so I have to tell CM - how the other nurse had a slipped disc and need to rest while I agreed to do her a favour by doing her shift and she will do my turn for the next.
CM was writing on his journal and he told me - everything in this life has a purpose. He told me about how he started taking alcohol when he was in his teens and what a waste it was . The first time I heard of what CM was talking was in the church when we were taught that - Life on this Earth is not by accident and that everyone we meet in this life we already knew from the pre-existence by which for commitments we have made there we see each other again to walk together towards our divine destination. I love the thought for which I believe is no accident too - I need to hear it and love it for some reasons . It is this line of thought that I hang on everyday - moments can be easy or tough yet at the end of the day before I sleep I can only look back to ask - what happened today ? and on to the more crucial question - Why ?
Life is such a colourful show - it is a dynamic interaction of significant actors acting their roles in a spiritual drama . To the least this is my own personal experience and belief and this is where my thoughts and emotion is anchored. People we get acquainted with - people we work with and work for - people who strengthen us with their loyalty - people who can only try to upset the balance of our energy - people who merely passed by and people we find hard to get rid off our minds - everyone and everything simply propels us to another experience that somehow pushes us into some direction in life . CM said, it is no accident that I was standing there before him and that we had to talk about what we were talking then. Further he said if we were friends in that spiritual existence that we once had maybe I was not female as I am now - and maybe he was not male as he is yet the purpose is not gender related but something our deeper self need to know.
By then I was like struck with billions of megavolts of light - in my mind that time was the thought of one soul - one man my heart can not just leave behind . I started laughing from the very first moment I knew his name yet we fought like the sun will never rise again. For a long time we ignored each other and at one point when I thought I was ready to disregard him forever he came back. Then came one gruesome incident that I realized I needed to hold his hand even without talking and just wanted him beside me not for anything but his company and he was there. One man who can be so very rude and mean but I can not leave for naught. And now as Westlife started singing Total Eclipse of the Heart I can only smile and say - oh funny but somewhat true - but then again - WHy ?
For reasons I did not bother to ask myself - I lingered opening his curtains to let more sunshine in. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I was not supposed to be working that day. CM said "you have been working long hours these days and you must be tired " he did not want to stress me and was happy to wait - I recalled once before another man was occupying the same room. One night when I did my rounds I found the previous occupant still awake and in pain - I told tell him , hey you are in pain and you are not even ringing the bell - the man replied - he saw me working hard and doing long hours he wanted me to have a rest. I realized oh no, they are seeing things and they think - so I have to tell CM - how the other nurse had a slipped disc and need to rest while I agreed to do her a favour by doing her shift and she will do my turn for the next.
CM was writing on his journal and he told me - everything in this life has a purpose. He told me about how he started taking alcohol when he was in his teens and what a waste it was . The first time I heard of what CM was talking was in the church when we were taught that - Life on this Earth is not by accident and that everyone we meet in this life we already knew from the pre-existence by which for commitments we have made there we see each other again to walk together towards our divine destination. I love the thought for which I believe is no accident too - I need to hear it and love it for some reasons . It is this line of thought that I hang on everyday - moments can be easy or tough yet at the end of the day before I sleep I can only look back to ask - what happened today ? and on to the more crucial question - Why ?
Life is such a colourful show - it is a dynamic interaction of significant actors acting their roles in a spiritual drama . To the least this is my own personal experience and belief and this is where my thoughts and emotion is anchored. People we get acquainted with - people we work with and work for - people who strengthen us with their loyalty - people who can only try to upset the balance of our energy - people who merely passed by and people we find hard to get rid off our minds - everyone and everything simply propels us to another experience that somehow pushes us into some direction in life . CM said, it is no accident that I was standing there before him and that we had to talk about what we were talking then. Further he said if we were friends in that spiritual existence that we once had maybe I was not female as I am now - and maybe he was not male as he is yet the purpose is not gender related but something our deeper self need to know.
By then I was like struck with billions of megavolts of light - in my mind that time was the thought of one soul - one man my heart can not just leave behind . I started laughing from the very first moment I knew his name yet we fought like the sun will never rise again. For a long time we ignored each other and at one point when I thought I was ready to disregard him forever he came back. Then came one gruesome incident that I realized I needed to hold his hand even without talking and just wanted him beside me not for anything but his company and he was there. One man who can be so very rude and mean but I can not leave for naught. And now as Westlife started singing Total Eclipse of the Heart I can only smile and say - oh funny but somewhat true - but then again - WHy ?
05 April, 2010
HARD TO UNDERSTAND:
The poor bug tossed and turned in bed all night and even most of the day. It was one of the regular weeks when the normally menacing virus takes a weekend shift. It was a Good Friday, a time for spiritual retreat to most Christians. A moment of the year when most people reflect on the amazing gift of grace, sacrifice and forgiveness for creatures destined to fall yet so well loved by its Maker that regardless of the tendency to get broken and damaged the hope to be cherished and cuddled back in loving arms faithfully existed.
Internet played its famous role that day. Out of a good chat came a sudden bad news. A member of the family died. We used to live in one house in an extended set up. Through our formative years, she was to be the youngest and the baby. Fast as time flies, everyone was kept busy in each ones diverse affairs even coping with ones chosen lot. We hardly see each other yet the memories of laughter, some frustrations, hopes and dreams do linger.
While she grew to be tall and a bit heavy I was more prepared to think that some related common malady cost her life. Terrified and badly broken I realized I was to hear the most horrible, brutal and evil deed I could hardly take. I frozed and trembled, filled with hatred and so much grief for a young vibrant life aiming for a brighter tomorrow. We have been taught and had laboured for what we have reaped in this life ... how unfair for anyone to think and simply ripped from her the fruit of her efforts.
Mortality is but synonymous with imperfections. Through all human frailties, no one deserves such intense hatred and brutality. I know the surviving victim. She has the most tender and loving heart I know is existing in this world. A devoted wife and enduring mother who had strong spiritual trust to withstand the endless trials she had encountered. In her advanced years, she does not deserve the pain, the terror and fright.
In this time of grief, I know there is not enough words to pacify a very distraught emotion and I choose to keep silent and keep my distance. In my mind, the happy and funny memories of childhood and even the last few moments we shared before I left the country will always stay. I could not understand, and I could not imagine how such wickedness exist in this world. I am writing trying to ventilate and ease my own tensed feelings ... I am not superstitious but last night I could smell the scent of formalin - I said to myself - she must be around to visit her ate - I dont know what to say or write to make myself feel better - I dont know - I really dont ... I want to cry but I am in so much disbelief and shock - somehow sleeping with such troubled mind - I had dreams to say, she understands. May she rest in peace in the realms of perfection in the Kingdom of our Heavenly Parents where our own dear departed take its rest in Justice - Joy - and Love.
Internet played its famous role that day. Out of a good chat came a sudden bad news. A member of the family died. We used to live in one house in an extended set up. Through our formative years, she was to be the youngest and the baby. Fast as time flies, everyone was kept busy in each ones diverse affairs even coping with ones chosen lot. We hardly see each other yet the memories of laughter, some frustrations, hopes and dreams do linger.
While she grew to be tall and a bit heavy I was more prepared to think that some related common malady cost her life. Terrified and badly broken I realized I was to hear the most horrible, brutal and evil deed I could hardly take. I frozed and trembled, filled with hatred and so much grief for a young vibrant life aiming for a brighter tomorrow. We have been taught and had laboured for what we have reaped in this life ... how unfair for anyone to think and simply ripped from her the fruit of her efforts.
Mortality is but synonymous with imperfections. Through all human frailties, no one deserves such intense hatred and brutality. I know the surviving victim. She has the most tender and loving heart I know is existing in this world. A devoted wife and enduring mother who had strong spiritual trust to withstand the endless trials she had encountered. In her advanced years, she does not deserve the pain, the terror and fright.
In this time of grief, I know there is not enough words to pacify a very distraught emotion and I choose to keep silent and keep my distance. In my mind, the happy and funny memories of childhood and even the last few moments we shared before I left the country will always stay. I could not understand, and I could not imagine how such wickedness exist in this world. I am writing trying to ventilate and ease my own tensed feelings ... I am not superstitious but last night I could smell the scent of formalin - I said to myself - she must be around to visit her ate - I dont know what to say or write to make myself feel better - I dont know - I really dont ... I want to cry but I am in so much disbelief and shock - somehow sleeping with such troubled mind - I had dreams to say, she understands. May she rest in peace in the realms of perfection in the Kingdom of our Heavenly Parents where our own dear departed take its rest in Justice - Joy - and Love.
21 January, 2010
COMFORT TO THE NEEDY:
I opened my messenger one day when I saw two notifications on the page. I am not very conversant about this web thing but I understand that some basic data just have to be visible to the public. As far as I know I have my pages restricted to my friends only. I go the web to download my kind of tunes, to find things I get interested in ( for sure it has nothing to do with finding the opposite sex ) and to get in touch with my family and close friends who live far away from me now. Everyday, as I move around and get acquainted with more people my list of friends grow as well but they are all those that I have actually seen in person and no one of those strangers that lurk in the internet.
From time to time I do get invitations for connections which I must honestly admit I ignore especially when they sound strange to me. Most particularly I do not tag other people's page with anything especially when I know that they do not know me. Anyway, I had a woman leaving a post in my page one time. It was a friendly note which I ignored at first because she was just worthless to me and I do not honestly care.
It was days after then when one time I was talking to a friend and we came discussing a local guy who was openly flirting with Asians. He was one man who jumped into my friends midst one time, arrogant and making cackles more noisy than a hen laying eggs. He is one kind who laborously market himself in a flea market with props like snakes and magic just to attract people and throw attention his way. He was one who when you get to know him closer - that with a personality of a bully.
At first I simply found myself amused thinking that everything was a joke. There were times when I simply thought, he must have been into some painful experiences in the past and must be nursing the hurt till the present which he only tried to hide in a strong facade. For once, I wanted to befriend him ... welcome him into my peaceful, stressfree, clean-fun world. He challenged me to see life in the world of SEX and PERVERSION - I dont know what more he wanted - yet those were aspects of Life that he found me boring and ignorant.
Fine with me dear friend - I know who I am and I know what I am doing. We are two different creatures in this wildlife and without any regrets my mind and my emotions are safe without you. Soon I found out that the friendly message posted on my page came from one of his women. I as a woman would not lift a finger with anyone I am not concern of - why do something with me? Is the problem that sausage that has readily been displayed to curious onlookers in the webcam ?
Hahaha - once I was offered assistance to become a permanent resident if I must take the challenge... oh dear what an offense to my capabilities and personal endowment... I am not that hopeless. More it was not only me but other friends I know who know the person. Goodness me, I am not putting up with women who are going gaga with a beautiful body that housed a failing lung. I am not going to pay - not with money nor my body - a life of violence and misery just for a rotten sausage.
Yes, I am upset. I feel bad to have my person brought into the interest of insecure, miserable and hungry women scared to lose any instrument I am not interested about. I am really tempted to write your name here, yet as an educator I believe you should know what your actuations mean and what better thing you should do. My dear - he is all yours ... and the rest of other Asians with whom he is flirting with - May this comfort your tormented soul. Amen.
From time to time I do get invitations for connections which I must honestly admit I ignore especially when they sound strange to me. Most particularly I do not tag other people's page with anything especially when I know that they do not know me. Anyway, I had a woman leaving a post in my page one time. It was a friendly note which I ignored at first because she was just worthless to me and I do not honestly care.
It was days after then when one time I was talking to a friend and we came discussing a local guy who was openly flirting with Asians. He was one man who jumped into my friends midst one time, arrogant and making cackles more noisy than a hen laying eggs. He is one kind who laborously market himself in a flea market with props like snakes and magic just to attract people and throw attention his way. He was one who when you get to know him closer - that with a personality of a bully.
At first I simply found myself amused thinking that everything was a joke. There were times when I simply thought, he must have been into some painful experiences in the past and must be nursing the hurt till the present which he only tried to hide in a strong facade. For once, I wanted to befriend him ... welcome him into my peaceful, stressfree, clean-fun world. He challenged me to see life in the world of SEX and PERVERSION - I dont know what more he wanted - yet those were aspects of Life that he found me boring and ignorant.
Fine with me dear friend - I know who I am and I know what I am doing. We are two different creatures in this wildlife and without any regrets my mind and my emotions are safe without you. Soon I found out that the friendly message posted on my page came from one of his women. I as a woman would not lift a finger with anyone I am not concern of - why do something with me? Is the problem that sausage that has readily been displayed to curious onlookers in the webcam ?
Hahaha - once I was offered assistance to become a permanent resident if I must take the challenge... oh dear what an offense to my capabilities and personal endowment... I am not that hopeless. More it was not only me but other friends I know who know the person. Goodness me, I am not putting up with women who are going gaga with a beautiful body that housed a failing lung. I am not going to pay - not with money nor my body - a life of violence and misery just for a rotten sausage.
Yes, I am upset. I feel bad to have my person brought into the interest of insecure, miserable and hungry women scared to lose any instrument I am not interested about. I am really tempted to write your name here, yet as an educator I believe you should know what your actuations mean and what better thing you should do. My dear - he is all yours ... and the rest of other Asians with whom he is flirting with - May this comfort your tormented soul. Amen.
DILEMMA:
Christchurch was my first home in New Zealand. I have sentimental memories to reckon in that place. It was November, 2006 when all 15 of the Golden Summit group arrived that cold rainy night. Joel was with us then. The first Holiday Season away from the frolic and comfort of home, family and friends. The challenges of building a new life in a strange place. The uncertainties that hang each day as we listened and awaited changes in Immigration Policies that might affect our situation then. Both the fun and the misery of finding oneself trapped within a group confronted with the concerns for survival in an uncertain,unsecured and highly competitive time. Now I can look back to all of it no matter what - everything with pleasant memories and very profitable learnings.
For twenty one months, I had things going for me in Christchurch. Those were the times when I have proven to myself the spiritual influence of LIFE. I can never be a religious individual ... sometimes i feel I am betraying my Church - but with all trust and sincerity I believed Someone out there is looking and taking good care of me. More than anything else I believed that Someone knows me by heart - He knows my strength as well as my weaknesses and He knows how to manage the circumstances for my mind and my heart to make up the most appropriate decisions.
Wellington is where I am at the right time. I was not aiming to be using a Parker or a Cross Pen when I came to New Zealand. Somehow, I need to do something where Economics, Accountancy and Nursing must come into play. I was at the brink of my patience when things happened. Again, circumstances only proved that I am not alone. Things fell at the right places just when I thought that everything was all wrong. Finally I was not only seeing the light but was into it.
The winds of change had calmed down for me to enjoy a moment of making choices. Christchurch will always hold a special place in my heart but at one time when I was starting to build friendship with new acquaintances and was seeing my goals materializing before my eyes it was convenient for me to simply let it flow. Staying in Wellington opened new doors for me to explore. Although Wellington is giving me the feeling of home - makes me feel like I am in Cebu it also brings to me some childhood reckoning of the sea, the hills and the birds. More it fascinates me to be back where a dose of most things I fancy are accessible. Things just keep coming and happening here in Wellington yet it feels safe enough to be in.
The call came at 15:20 just as I was ready to pull my drug trolley. I dug into my pocket for my mobile but the caller hang up. I checked my voicemail to hear the HR saying that my earlier request to be in Christchurch can now be sorted out. I was then caught in a dilemma - got my heart torn between two significant choices. I talked to my clinical leader, I recalled the words my clients had for me, I took the reaction of two acquaintances who somehow had a call on my emotions at such moment ... I slept at five o'clock the following day thinking about it and before I could properly opened my eyes my mobile rang with the HR on the line. I gave the word - I am staying. When I put down the phone I found myself lost. I cannot be in two places at the same time - I love both Wellington and Christchurch.
For twenty one months, I had things going for me in Christchurch. Those were the times when I have proven to myself the spiritual influence of LIFE. I can never be a religious individual ... sometimes i feel I am betraying my Church - but with all trust and sincerity I believed Someone out there is looking and taking good care of me. More than anything else I believed that Someone knows me by heart - He knows my strength as well as my weaknesses and He knows how to manage the circumstances for my mind and my heart to make up the most appropriate decisions.
Wellington is where I am at the right time. I was not aiming to be using a Parker or a Cross Pen when I came to New Zealand. Somehow, I need to do something where Economics, Accountancy and Nursing must come into play. I was at the brink of my patience when things happened. Again, circumstances only proved that I am not alone. Things fell at the right places just when I thought that everything was all wrong. Finally I was not only seeing the light but was into it.
The winds of change had calmed down for me to enjoy a moment of making choices. Christchurch will always hold a special place in my heart but at one time when I was starting to build friendship with new acquaintances and was seeing my goals materializing before my eyes it was convenient for me to simply let it flow. Staying in Wellington opened new doors for me to explore. Although Wellington is giving me the feeling of home - makes me feel like I am in Cebu it also brings to me some childhood reckoning of the sea, the hills and the birds. More it fascinates me to be back where a dose of most things I fancy are accessible. Things just keep coming and happening here in Wellington yet it feels safe enough to be in.
The call came at 15:20 just as I was ready to pull my drug trolley. I dug into my pocket for my mobile but the caller hang up. I checked my voicemail to hear the HR saying that my earlier request to be in Christchurch can now be sorted out. I was then caught in a dilemma - got my heart torn between two significant choices. I talked to my clinical leader, I recalled the words my clients had for me, I took the reaction of two acquaintances who somehow had a call on my emotions at such moment ... I slept at five o'clock the following day thinking about it and before I could properly opened my eyes my mobile rang with the HR on the line. I gave the word - I am staying. When I put down the phone I found myself lost. I cannot be in two places at the same time - I love both Wellington and Christchurch.
20 January, 2010
SOME THINGS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE:
I was walking from work one morning when the strong Wellington winds blew a tin bin that went rolling down the road. It was making such silly noise that I initially jumped with fright wondering what it was that was pursuing me from behind. Then I saw the empty container, no wonder it was noisy.
On that early morning before 2010 was to start, the thought of an experience simply came to mind. The acquaintance of a restless soul screaming for attention. The strong rugged facade that somehow revealed of ailing health. The adlibs of phrases that pleaded for correct interpretation. Oh dear, how it made me stopped and wanted to listen and nurture a bond of empathy, understanding even acceptance and friendship. Somehow it made me suspect that I was falling in love but was I really ?
One thing sure I know myself. Sir Joel had the right word to say ... " you are easily upset but readily pacified " and for that I know I am such because I can relate to the fun of teasing others. In such a case I can be forgiving because as I annoy others I do not really mean harm. And so that rules out any doubt of feeling the emotion called love. I am merely a friendly and a peace loving creature who cannot stand the thought of being at odds with anyone.
Nothing comes by accident and therefore everything has its own reason for being. This again is another food for thought that my mind was trying to digest.
Yes, I can be all fun and superficial somehow when things start to make way into my brain, it lingers and searches for revelations. Once upon a time I decided to accommodate things that most people considered a mismatch to my spirit. Now my mortal perception started asking why and what ? While I was playing with my laptop I decided I will make the first move and get going again.
It was more than a year of questioning. The answer was so elusive. Times could sometimes be rude and brutal - things that I am never good at. My spirit does not seem to give up but the mind refused to fight. I wanted to understand but maybe SOME THINGS ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE so that for 2010 some things just have to be given up and hopefully forgotten for good.
On that early morning before 2010 was to start, the thought of an experience simply came to mind. The acquaintance of a restless soul screaming for attention. The strong rugged facade that somehow revealed of ailing health. The adlibs of phrases that pleaded for correct interpretation. Oh dear, how it made me stopped and wanted to listen and nurture a bond of empathy, understanding even acceptance and friendship. Somehow it made me suspect that I was falling in love but was I really ?
One thing sure I know myself. Sir Joel had the right word to say ... " you are easily upset but readily pacified " and for that I know I am such because I can relate to the fun of teasing others. In such a case I can be forgiving because as I annoy others I do not really mean harm. And so that rules out any doubt of feeling the emotion called love. I am merely a friendly and a peace loving creature who cannot stand the thought of being at odds with anyone.
Nothing comes by accident and therefore everything has its own reason for being. This again is another food for thought that my mind was trying to digest.
Yes, I can be all fun and superficial somehow when things start to make way into my brain, it lingers and searches for revelations. Once upon a time I decided to accommodate things that most people considered a mismatch to my spirit. Now my mortal perception started asking why and what ? While I was playing with my laptop I decided I will make the first move and get going again.
It was more than a year of questioning. The answer was so elusive. Times could sometimes be rude and brutal - things that I am never good at. My spirit does not seem to give up but the mind refused to fight. I wanted to understand but maybe SOME THINGS ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE so that for 2010 some things just have to be given up and hopefully forgotten for good.
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