OH NO!

i was working one day when a resident kept calling my name. I walked into her door to check. She was comfortably and safely seated somehow I draw near to ask her why. I said, ” hi, what’s up? ” She said, is that you? Nobody loves me, she said. She is blind.

At that instant I was caught up with mixed emotions. Love??? what is it? Everyday, people report to work to render services to everyone in the hospital. Everyone does the job, but does everyone ever care? I told myself, Oh no, I do not want to grow old - I do not want to be alone and lonely - I do not want to feel insecure.

I moved nearer to give my friend a hug. She started to laugh. I told her how things are - I said, you know I am just around and not an hour pass without me passing by your door and checking that you are alright. Somehow there are 23 others I need to see so please understand that you cannot hold my hand all the time. She started to realize to say something …oh Im sorry I am very demanding and selfish. I said, no you are alright but please do not cry because when I see you in tears, it brings me down as well and my work is affected.

She started laughing and held on me tighter. She said, Chiki I would like you to meet my son Bob. Oh, I did not realize that we had company. I had my back to the door and she was holding on me too close that I did not even realize that someone came in and she was clinging to his arm with her other hand.

I moved back and tried to look up. Oh noooooooooooooooooo, that big, beautiful grin of a man and the eyes !!! and we were so close hugging one confused soul. No, my breath stopped for a while… No, I can not believe this, why did I not notice he came in … my mouth dropped with disbelief … I had just lost my poise. He joked to say, yes my name is Bob that is when I am good but when she finds me naughty I am Robert. I managed a smile, and to save myself from further discomfort I said- alright now, Bob is here, he will keep you company so I must give you time to be together.

I locked myself inside the treatment room for a while. It was a million dollar smile but how could I allow myself to be caught in an embarrassing situation of looking into his eyes. Obviously I melted before him and it should not be. I tried to compose myself again and marched to the station. I pretended to read the charts. He left giving a side glance and a wave of the hand and I said, it was nice of you to come, thank you and take care!

I shared my admiration for the man with my colleagues and they were all in a positive note. Yes, everyone after all had noticed it - in fact I am the last to see it so far. I asked his mom - is Bob married? She said, yes dear he is and he is a very devoted husband and a good father. I said to myself - ah that is good but who knows? I joked with his mom - can you imagine your son smitten by me ? Hihihihi - so very naughty - and we both started to laugh.

Then a lady came in. I was just thinking she must be the wife. I watched what she did. She is a very gracious lady. She had shown concern and attention to my resident as if she were her own mom. She bought her nice clothes and accessories and her taste of moisturizers, lipstick and other stuff were brilliant. She told me, she is a nurse herself and had worked in a similar place that I am now. She thank me as she had seen me as a good girl ( she just did not know what I had in mind earlier).

I gave her a reassuring smile and said - I will do my very best to be kind to everyone. At the back of my thoughts I had to say - and that includes you. Fine and fair.

D Bug Is Sick

>>> i woke up with a splitting headache today and i feel very sick. i had an afternoon shift earlier and after i crossed the few meter distance from home to work i just realized my nose went runny and was sneezing profusely. the night was not very helpful, i had thought it was only some kind of dehydration which could be relieve by water and sleep. when i opened my eyes - i found my laptop upside down beside me in bed. i could tell, sleep was not really good enough as to have sent me tossing around.

i reached for the computer and realized i got a download error. i must have hit some keys that switched off my browser. my neck is sore, as i slept with my bulky headset not just the earphones. my friend came on line to request that i fill in for her shift - oh what a day !!!

finally i found the button to let the browser working - it took me to my blogpage. i tried to read what i had posted in the past and realized how " maldita " i can get. super - as i could recall how bad i felt when i wrote some of those angry posts. yesterday at work, my friend told me - he was reading my blogs and he was entertained by it. thanks a lot my friend - you are so kind to spare time to get into those stuff.

as i have explained to my friend - the things i posted there were only meant for people who needed it. friends who knew and understood what i was talking about and for them to learn from it. as we have drifted far and wide, just want to let them feel that i am still with them and within reach. that i continue to fight my own battle and win some challenges.

>>> as the year ends, i am caught by this post which reminded me of how one thought i have ignored and rejected her. this year, it could be that there are those who feel like her and so i decided to post it here as well.i am not perfect so many times i said - at times i may be too busy to miss things that seem minor yet have hurt others the worst. i need to say sorry ...

" it is not that you are unworthy of friendship that i have strayed from the attention that you have thrown my path; it is just that i respect everyone's efforts and should be fair for them to enjoy what they have earned from it.

it is not that you are unlovable that i ignored the care and kindness that you have shown on me; it is just that i am not as gracious as you are that i may fail to show the gratitude that you deserve.

it is not that you are less attractive, that i looked away from the sight of you; it is just that i am vain and may not be able to treasure the gem that is in your heart.

it is not that you are unpopular that i steered away from you, it is just that i am aware i am not good enough that i should keep some distance on the road.

for all that i have done, i may appear rude to you but sorry as i am to make you feel that way, deep in my heart i never mean to hurt you."

YOU

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE
AND OPEN LOCKED DOORS
MAKING MOMENTS OUT OF TIME
BRINGING THE SUN
WHERE THERE WAS NONE

YOU TOOK ME LIKE I WOULD
SOMEONE THAT I ONLY LOVE
HOW I WISHED SOMEDAY
YOU WILL CARE FOR ME
WITH A HEART THAT’S FREE

AT TIMES YOU MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE I AM THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARES ABOUT THE PAST
WHEN TODAY YOU HAVE ME
SURELY I AM NOT A MEMORY

AT TIMES I PRAY FOR TIME
TO LAST FOREVER KNOWING
I HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE YOU
MORE THAN THE REST
TO ME YOUR ARE THE BEST

SO WE MAKE LOVE LIKE
THERE’S NO ONE ELSE;
IF NOT FOR LOVE I WILL
THINK WE ARE ONLY BEAST
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AT LEAST

gorgeoushoney and bluechicbug

Complementary and supplementary that is what they are. They both live different and individual lives and together spell out their own criteria of camaraderie, excitement and fun. Both cool and calm, with a touch of lady-like qualities which could turn out into a big, hilarious outburst of humour and laughter when both are drawn together.

They poke bizarre jokes on each other without offense. They smile, raised eyebrows and keep themselves secure from external pressures all the same, yet is there with outstretched hands and shoulders for each other to hang on in times of need. Together, they do not go looking for words to say things in their minds ... they understand each other with just by the wink. In private, they know who their friends are and deal with the rest as civil as they can.

Both love each others lovers and loved-ones. They keep their own secrets that if there is anything at hand.( probably there is) Both keep their own circle of friends with which anyone of them can just slip to and out of it as is comfortable for them ... and this holds true both in personal and cyberspace.


As regards internet, gorgeous is the mentor- the bug the willing and consenting learner most of the hours. They share tunes, files, pictures, etc ... sometimes though, the learner finds more things than the mentor which may find the latter a wee bit behind.(just a wee bit, i said) As readily as the two can find enjoyment, pleasure and fun on things that accessibly come their way, one is always ready to rescue the other from potential traps and fall. The fact strengthened their bond all the more.

Across the miles, they conquered time and space and nurtured each others' friendship. They burn the line if just to keep in touch. They update themselves about the different worlds they have explored yet keep the glow of identity they have stood for. When challenged by failing connections they both manage to find some spaces to type their messages if just to keep those silly grins.

Most parts of their being they keep open to each other. Their minds and their hearts mostly leaving the soul a few to sacredly keep. They go to different churches yet they both go to almost the same shops, parlours, restos and gym.(that was before). They both dare grab the microphone if given a chance and are both comfortable with their mini-skirts and hair colour regardless of who cares.

Apart they share the hope of getting reunited if just to replay the past.

GOODBYE 2008:

A day after Christmas now and the supervisor told the bug to take a rest. She realized she needed it after all. Her bones felt the stress and when she was on the net with "man_n_bed" last night he told her she needed to go back to the gym.

The morning is quite cold, and it does feel good to spend some extra hours inside the duvet. The mind could not help but wander though, how has the year been? The thoughts could drift from every crevices in memory now.

The bug changed home and cities at least five times. Oh she could not believe that ! but she did. Time had put acquaintances into a sieve and sifted it for the bug to see who remained for her to take. They were at least the same old people and just a couple more. Yes, New Zealand friendship do exist and survive through time.

Professionally, she is so grateful for Heaven's blessings. At some point of confusion and total darkness divine intercession lead the bug out of the storm into one bright horizon and put the sun up to brighten her world. This could be the best that happen to D'Bug this year. It gave her the testimony of unconditional love and faithfulness of an ever powerful and bounteous Lover who never left her alone. This thing always bring tears of joy, amazement and humility to her soul.

As a bug are some points of learning and surely things to apologize for. The bug has realized how careless she has been with money. The bug at one time had mindlessly thrown her life into wasteful weaknesses and almost lose it all, now she has to pay the price. A broken wing has been mended, some bruises and abrasions healed - It was hard but in faith the bug can do it with her own - COOL,CALM and QUIET manner.

The Bug had spent sometime in the net attracting and accumulating too much virus to mess her computer. That is only a minor offense. Along the way of her journey, she had caused some eyebrows raised when husbands of wives were mesmerized spending more than enough time talking to her. The bug is sorry but never ever really dreamt of borrowing anyone of them ... she was just enjoying the conversation to stimulate her wits.

The bug was almost trapped by a tattooed and pierced creature. She was at one time fascinated with a voice that sounded romantic and soothing to lie beside her on some lonely nights. The romantic calisthenics with such an impersonal voice could never last. In times of depression, the bug hang on the strong instructions from a distant mentor and on some lonely nights slept with some kind of comfort from another distant "admirer". Everyone in this paragraph were all the bits and pieces of the different colours to the portrait of a bug's life. 2008 could never be the time for emotional delays the journey must move on.

Now D'Bug could smile. It may be a tough year with all such drastic and violent changes but so long 2008 ... life must go on.

Back Home :

I do write and keep a journal for my own personal use. It does not only make me remember things but it serves as my outlet where I can ventilate my thoughts and feelings. One time, the Bohemian Backpacker invited me to view her page. By then, I never had any idea what a blog was - and what I can do with it. Anyway, I realized my other friends Script of Life and 4Sides of Oblivion were in it as well and somehow I found a home for my mind and emotions.

My friends were all supportive and encouraging. Day after day, I tried to browse the things they wrote in their page yet being very new, I was possessed by the threat to my privacy. I closed everything from public view(paranoid-not so good). The Bohemian Backpacker guided me through the basic yet I did not have the luxury of time to do it. As they updated their space, I started sharing some of the files I kept in my personal computer.

Shortly though, another friend invited me to join Yahoo360 and about the same time, I realized there was also a blogspace in Friendster where most of the new acquaintances were hooked on. It was then that I decided to write different things in different spaces. I got into Friendster through the acquaintances I met during the King's experience. I wrote things for them there. Yahoo, I wanted to keep as my more private space, with whom I wanted to share with only the friend who invited me and those close to us. The Blogger I reserved for only the four - The Bohemian Backpacker, Script of Life, The 4sides of Oblivion and Echoes to meet.

When my computer got infected with all sorts of virus and started to malfunction, I realized I was losing access to some of the sites I was into. I could not remember the passwords there(poor thing). Anyway, I got into so many sites out of curiosity as when prompted by friends and never even think about going back to it. Now I learned my lessons - I will just keep myself within my own limits.

I checked my bookmarks and tried to find which door was kept opened. I also realized how I have carelessly registered my name in different sites. Now here I am - back home and catching up with the housekeeping with some windows opened for friends to peep into.

The Choice

He came into my life at a time when I was nursing a bad heart - everything was simply wrong and out of place. Then a lady acquaintance introduced him to me. This lady if I must remember had at one time gave me a nuisance admirer when she could not handle the guy right. I just realized she did it again this time.

The first time I heard the man talking - the air of arrogance was visible in his personality. He openly declared how he finds himself glamorous, and highly sought after . Then very shortly from that time of the acquaintance he readily became naughty.

At a distance I watch how far he would go, and I could tell that he was obviously one with a wild imagination and unbridled passions. Physically, he was attractive with his 6 feet stature, trimmed and athletic in built - he’s got the body that could make any clothes look good on and has obviously reminded me of my weakness.

Out of curiosity I dug into his photographs. A few shots took my attention - oh no I love the skin and the built minus the tattoos and piercing. No, I do not find him handsome but he can be ruggedly beautiful. Yes, he looks charismatic with a wide confident smile . I could imagine there never would be any dull moment with us together with the dynamic impulse of talent and fun. I thought of what could possibly be the other side of the man. Could it be that the other side of him may someday come out and we end up the best of friends.

He started inviting me to see him some future time. Although I kept the conversation open - deep within myself I was sure I was not ready to do it. The pictures I saw told me a story. I can not mess with my soul, not at this time when I am undergoing a spiritual reconstruction. I must be strong and never succumb to anything that I may never be able to rescue myself from. He must have sensed it or just realized that he did not want me after all.

Then he told me he was going some place. For days I did not see him. I realized I missed the man. My head told me I should be thankful for the chance to realize it was time to stop being silly about it however my emotion was stubborn to feel the emptiness . I saw him stood some distance and he knew I was there but he ignored me. I was a bit touched and affected. I told my friends about it and they laughed.

I laughed as well, the odd feeling of being ignored … it touches the pride but I should be alright. Very timely, acquaintances lost for ages started coming in to say hi again. One a lawyer kept hammering my brain with logic and told me that whatever affects me I should remember life is an art - that I hold the brush, pallet, and easel it is for me to paint the colour. The other one, he filled the hours with trust, understanding and admiration on my honesty and spirit.

I was never alone that I realized. In times when I needed something, succour come into place and true enough - I hold the brush and all that I needed and I am the only one who can paint my life’s portrait. I sat on the Sabbath meetings and thought how nice it should have been if I had him by my side. When I reached home, I finally took one last look at his picture , my breast tightened a bit and I smiled to say … it was nice having you but never again will I think of you.

a better reason for being

i was in miramar to do a shift when i met three familiar faces. sweet, good-looking ladies i encountered when i was working as a student coordinator. i thought they were there to work. sad to realize they had a sad story to tell.

the night was rather desturbing for me. i was upset with what i learned. i wanted to email our agent i know he will be willing to help. i was also thinking of talking to my boss, still the same one i worked with my other job. too bad, internet was playing up and i was getting very restless.

morning came i had a shift to do and there was a message asking if i have done something for their cause. i needed to report to work early and ran out to the facility. my thoughts started racing - it seems like facilitating is always a specific role for me to play.

earlier, i was having my own personal concerns. too many things were happening all too fast and i could not decide which one to do first. i dont know what about wellington that i just want to be at the heart of it. where i am are interesting and convenient options, i do not know why i long for the mystery of one place i am never familiar.

the moment i reached home, i readily set the laptop. first i emailed my boss who gave me a rather warm and comforting feeling of freedom. at least it eased my feelings to decide on my own and consider other matters. then i emailed my agent.

the next minute, my agent got back to me asking for contact details. i thought it was of the three ladies who i was very concern of so that i scrolled my phonebook for their numbers. anyway mails came after the other. while i was trying to help three persons, the agent afterall had me in his mind to refer to a sponsor.

everything came into place - all concerns solve with one pure desire to help. the next day, documents were signed and closed. that easy? yes, when i walked into the office, the manager had a copy of an email in his hand. he smiled, i will attend to these three ladies first and this paper tells me who you are.

i sat quietly by the end of the table wondering how good heaven is to all. as i watched the faces of the three all sporting relieve happy smiles, my heart swelled with gladness. i will never be able to repay the goodness of God. I have done just one minor thing of concern, the joy i felt for the blessing is encompassing. everything has all been set up and prepared for the next - always a better reason for things to become - it is time to trust in GOD.

The Unseen Hands Of God

A time in my life when I was cheated and pushed so hard. I fought for mortal justice all with my human mind and head. Then comes the intercession of One who knows best - He lives in the heavens and sees everything on earth. He frowned on exploitation and saved me with love - He showered me with all the blessings so joyful I have no room to doubt - then a grudge became easy to forget and my heart could only laugh - God in His justice truly rewards a pure soul in ways that is divine, He lifted my burden and the scorge of pain. In the depths of woes He gave me moments to realize i have true friends instead of a user, a testimony that He has never forsaken me if just to say that he has spared only the best moments with people who deserve the fruit of my honest and sincere labours. Saved from bondage i see the horizons getting so wide, a promise of a bright tomorrow shining on a not so distant site. A reason for thanksgiving to One so mighty and strong, nothing can stay His unseen hands working on His servant. I will serve my God in ways that I am called, heal a heart and ease a mind, master compassion for my brethren for in this world I have a role to do. When this corruptible existense in past, I will meet my Master at the judgment seat. I will bring with me the script of my life on this earth and will reap what I deserve. I know I was never perfect, all I have done and can be is try my very best. Friends come to me now saying I have been strong, deep within me I know my own weaknesses were there to conquer

The BUG felt Jealous

It was one of those bizarre experiences that I had. I met a guy who obviously was not a sincere admirer but who utter the words anyway. He would give me the attention that somehow pleased my ego yet not believing it was true. And the psycho-game started to play on my emotion. As usual it was the guy pursue gal script we played.

Then one day, the guy obviously could not play the game any longer. He must have ran out of tricks to try or simply must have exhausted all his energy in the pursuit. He decided to play his game on a more hopeful, probably a lovelier and possibly a more exciting playmate. He drifted away from me - oh this internet thing - my friend gorgeoushoney and me just love it. we could sit in front of our windows chatting, laughing and playing together day and night.

One time internet connection played up. My communication window refused to move and I could not type anything on it. gorgeoushoney and I were in the course of a hilarious exchange of jokes and fun. To make up for lost communication, we started writing on the status space of our messenger list. Then my Mr. Admirer came online to invite someone to view his webcam.

My nerves started to freeze when he never tried to invite nor said hi. Oh no, the bug started to get jealous. Then I told gorgeoushoney look here what he is doing, my Mr Admirer is ignoring me ... he is on his webcam with another person and oh no I could cry they have been there for hours now - we never had that !!!! gorgeoushoney continue to laugh and send those "good for you playful bug finally you are caught affected."

oh noooooooooo, the bug is in-love with her playmate. gorgeoushoney helpppppppppp.
it was finally 3:00 the following morning when gorgeous and the bug wrapped up. they have been on and off the line from early morning of the previous day. The bug could not sleep, now she grabbed her headset, put the volume on high, opened her limewire file and played her tunes on the VLC ... huhuhu ... you are always on my mind started playing.

that is what we sometimes get ... a good girl with some uncanny habits ... candidly caught in some foolish game called jealousy ... words are really powerful this i have often said. we play with words just like we play with matches and it can be dangerous. the bug tossed and turned in her sleep - oh well i will be alright when the sun is up ...

the rain

It was about nine o’clock in the morning and the rain continue to fall… it was pouring since the night before …I ran to work late last night yet it was considerably too early for my shift … I needed to get to the workplace before it gets too cold … the shift has ended now I must walk home again … the rain does not seem to end its task not another one whole day.

I pulled on my hood and tried to cover my head, my hands were getting stiff as the wind turned chilly cold. It was winter and here I was, under the rain …last night my workmate told me … this is the time of the season when the cold goes into you and not around you … wear something appropriate against the cold …

Playing under the rain is one of the fond memories I have in childhood… it brought back cherished memories with my granny. In childhood I used to sweat too much and grew rashes that I usually went around with my cotton sleeveless and undies. every time the rain comes I would rushed outside jumping and enjoying the raindrops .

Granny would call out to me … come inside and dry yourself … hear the thunder and know that something is wrong up above … hide yourself … the angels are taking pictures of naughty tots down on earth … flashes of lightning are from heaven’s camera and they are taking photographs.

Those lines surely make no sense to me now, but the essence of the effort to convince me to get myself off the cold clearly meant some tender loving care. Now there is no more croaking voice to call on my senses … from the long graveyard shift I would rather keep myself dry and warm but I am left with no choice … I have to walk home under the chilly winter frost.


Thoughts raised with self pity inside my head…oh I am just depressed I tried to tell myself. It felt too odd and the tears simply fell. I missed my grandma … though she died a very long time ago … looking around me I realized I am left with nobody … no one cares and I must survive with the fact that I am alone. I remembered a friend … oh he was extremely kind when he needed something … now he is gone when everything was done.

THE CAT WHO TAUGHT ME TO MOVE ON

I was on my way to Sabbath service when the cat snuggled round my feet. I almost tripped over, yet I remembered reading somewhere that a cat comes near a person that is rather warm and friendly. I stopped to consider, I am not exactly what the article said but that very moment I was lonely and i asked myself is the cat lonely like me? I stopped for a short time but really I need to hurry or I will miss the bus, but the cat kept catching up with my boots. I was caught between exasperation and amazement anyway I had to head my way or cancel the thing i have specially set for the morning.

The next day, as I opened the curtains of the glass walls of my room, the cat was outside lying on its side. It made me wonder, cats and dogs do not stray in this part of the world. Where could this cat's owner be, or was the cat really looking for me? i was tempted to let the cat in, but i never had so much affinity with such creatures and i decided against the impulse.

days after then, i saw the cat again. i tried to touched its belly with my foot. maybe it was the fact that i was alone and yearning for company that somehow drove my feelings to the animal. what, if the cat was a human being? will i learn to love it despite all the prejudices stacked in my thoughts? days passed and one summer morning i walked down the familiar road when i saw the cat lifeless on the street. my heart seem to come up to my throat ... poor thing ... had i cared and made friends with the cat ... could i have spared it from the fate ??? if we shared some warm and lovely moments together will it be still alive?.

i come to think of how sometimes we care for people who never even care a bit about us in return ... of how they just take and even ask for what we have and never even feel any gratitude for the goodwill they get ... to everyone i come across ... i tend to treasure and cherish even felt pain for their absence or loss. now was a friendly cat that came to me which i never spared enough time.

somehow the cat made me realized how it feels to disregard friendship ... i did shed some tears for friendship that cheated me which i do not regret ... if people do not value me as one i know it does not make me a lesser than human ... i felt guilty for the cat ... but the opportunity to love had gone and lost forever ... the cat is dead but now i must move on.

THANK YOU!

Thank you so much for being there for me. For standing by and keeping yourself just a text away when I needed your support. Thanks a lot for giving my life meaning by listening to my stories, for keeping long hours on your desktop and making me smile playing with the emoticons, even checking out if I have slept with my laptop on top of me and tucking it safely.

Thank you also for making me feel human with every emotion that you stir in me. For making me feel like a girl, a lady and a woman as well. Thanks for the warmth, the smile and the tears we both share. Even the longing I felt in your absence.

We had the sweetest and the most bitter experience of friendship - we had the best and the worst of times. With you I was whole, broken and mended. Yes, both of us were and never will be perfect ... surely we have grown much from being there for each other.

For all good reasons I may never be able to say your name but deep in our hearts we both know who, what and how we were . Again for all good reasons, we may never be together again - will never share moments we choose to hide in the pages of our friendship's archive but every memory of it will surely be treasured and cherished in our minds.

As we moved on, take my silent prayers for your success. Freedom is my best expression of the love that will always follow you wherever you are and will be.

Options

The phone rang one morning. A male voice was on the line. He was laughing to say, “ kumapit sila sa patalim. (holding on a razor‘s edge)”

Sila are the nurses registered as one in their home country, for one reason and another they decided to be here. Sila in reality involve not just one specific nationality as what the caller had in his mind. The truth is in this country, sila includes other nationalities like Chinese, Thai, Fijian, Japanese. Samoan and etc. if that is what he needs to know.

The money involved is quite a big amount and according to many accounts with it was sweat and tears yet they raised it just to be here. Sometime in the past, the Nursing Council requirement was not as high and many were just blessed to come at such a time. If one was lucky enough to have a nurse spouse coming that time and who sponsored the other half; is that enough reason to laugh?

I used to sit in front of my office’ desktop to prepare the slideshow for my lectures. My thoughts flew back and forth as I clicked the windows between the New Zealand website and the topics for my presentation. Where I was could be the best place that a nurse in my country could be. The basic pay was standardized, subsistence allowance, laundry and hazard pay were given each month. Travel expenses were provided not to mention the productivity and loyalty bonus that we get. The office was air conditioned, rank and title was attached to your name to boost the ego for self esteem. The office uniform was honourable with the high stiletto to match with it. Why?

The country is warm and beautiful, the family support is comforting and reassuring. Friends are fun to be with and shopping could be great. Restaurants, malls, pubs, discos, bars they are everywhere. Some do have their own businesses and professions flourishing but everyone you meet them here. What could have gone wrong?

Deep within the minds and hearts of everyone, we master the answer. Even those who are laughing share the same hopes and aspirations even if they want it only for their own selves or families. It is sad to see the same kind of people with the same colour trying to destroy each other’s dream, sad to realize that for every word and action shown everything simply echoes something hidden within.

Even back where I was, I have already pictured what I was about to do. Parker pens I may never have to use, when I will be pulling pads instead. Everyone has our pride and vanities, these weaknesses I was ready to tame, I know where I am going to labour is my aim. When we talk of weaknesses, principle can be one’s strength. There will always be a time when one has to grow and become independent, a time when one needs to prove you can perform a role well. Each one of us has our own obligations in life, surely that is what we are here to accomplish.

The job of a caregiver is truly back breaking. Yet it is rewarding to know that today you have managed to make one lonely elderly smile. So many times I hear the workload is alright. The challenge can be more on your co-staff when discrimination and indifference becomes the issue and you get persecuted for even the most minor deficiencies instead of being assisted to learn better and ease the task. Peculiar to the culture is how we compete and rival within our own group yet as a people we stand strong against our opponent. If just for this I am still proud to be of my race.

If I am an elderly, I will surely be happy to have a doctor, dentist, physiotherapist, pharmacist, medical technologist , nurse and whatever care for me. Although they are not registered as such in this country, when I am down on the floor, chances are in my carer’s head is a medical opinion as well as a medical option to suggest. That is if one can look beyond the skin to see the beauty and feel the warmth of the soul within.

Crossing the Miles

I have never been an extensive traveller nor were my dreams as high. I felt comfortable where I was for a time until well meaning friends and relatives convinced me to think about migrating somewhere else. As most of us do, the priority destination was the United States. People used to point out how in my home country doctors and other professionals were going into nursing just to be able to go while I as a nurse did not seem to care for what was thought of as a better future.

I started thinking about my NCLEX . If just to have something to start with and give me a push, I took the International English Language Testing System and got the score I needed for my plan. Somehow, my work took me off my NCLEX review for I had to undergo domestic travels to conduct orientations and trainings , monitoring and validations related to my job. Time passed swiftly and before I knew it my English document was about to expire and I felt sorry to realize how the money I spent would just go to waste.

An option was opened to go to New Zealand. The country’s door was opened to nurses through an Aged
Care Education Program. I surfed the net to get an idea of how things are in the country. Glossy as the pictures of the sceneries were and beautifully chosen the words of the writer the promise of a better future hang positively in the air. Things happened as if in a twinkling on an eye … as I looked back I could not imagine how I ever raised the means to fly and landed in another land. As things had happened I was more convinced that in our mortal existence there is an unseen hand that do manage our life.

One of the most apparent change that was felt when I arrived was the cold. It was summer of 2006 when we disembarked all fifteen of us in the group. We were told the weather would be warm but it was cold . There were other peculiarities about the weather we noticed, all four seasons in a day was what they say. There were times when we walked from Pack and Save to our accommodation, we could feel it was hard to take a step forward as the wind zoomed strongly against our legs.

Everyday for twelve weeks, we walked our way to school. ..in the morning our mouth would emit that peculiar smoke we used to see only on the screen of movies shoot in cold locations. Another thing that amazed us was the traffic and the white lanes. When we try to cross the street, all cars simply stopped to let us go. Where we came, drivers usually blast their horns to beat the traffic but not quite in this new place. Although cars here go swiftly past yet we feel safe at every corner with both the green light and the beep to signal our time to cross the other side of the road.

Our training starts at 9:00 a.m. and at home people would go rushing by the sidewalks to work at that hour. Well it was new for us to realize that at such time of the day the sidewalk was rather deserted. At home we lived in cities and they call our place a developing country yet in here there were not too many high rise buildings to see.

It was wonderful to note that the river at the heart of the suburb is simply clear and clean. It is soothing to the heart to see nature taken cared of , appreciated and loved . People young and old we do meet as we walk the streets. The older folks they were rather courteous, cheerful and respectable… it is hard not to return a greeting or a smile as you walk by. The young generations have their own culture too … so many friends were thrown curses and swore at with hatred as if one world is solely for their own.

In summer, when we came the sun did not set till ten o’clock at night but the shops closed early as five. What could possibly be done under the sunlight when where we came the place do not even seem to sleep even at midnight. No man is an island so they say. Loneliness could easily set in with the thoughts of home. The family interactions and the intimacy of loved ones do cause some emptiness and pain when you are out alone in some foreign land.

In an attempt to cope with the daily stresses and pressures, individuals began to show their true colours. When finances ran low survival of the fittest became the game. Crisis can truly be a test and a time of decision making. A time when despite being beaten black and blue the spirit is called on to maintain the grace and its basic hue. Crisis is the best of time to identify who among our friends are real, when there is so much room of heroism and for one to realize who works for fame and gain.

Some People Are

Some people are simply endowed with a gracious spirit, they are those who set on their face a light and joyful glow. Their hearts know no envy, they feel real happiness for the opportunities and successes of others. They speak no evil against their neighbours yet can be honest with tact. In the dog eat dog competitive world they may get hurt but they are slow to anger and so fast they forgive. They make other people comfortable.

Some people are never hard to tell … they may be nice or they may be rude … whatever their true colour …it is pretty obvious and clear … they do not hide their feelings, never afraid of what it brings … take it or leave it that is what they are and that is how they should be accepted.

Another group of people are those that seem nice but clever . They trap you with goodwill but destroy you when they get a chance. They are those who in childhood could have been deprived … now as adult they seek vengeance. They make friends with the goal to ensure that they are kept just within their level, an inch ahead, they will pull you back with gossips and intrigues. They are the kind you are scared to meet.

One of the worst group are those who are hard to educate … they have accumulated years to their age but had never gained maturity in character. They are the ones with all their rough edges unpolished … they blurt out uncensored words … at a glance you would mistake them for just being real yet in the long run you would realize they might as well have kept their mouth shut…they merely say things to weaken your strength instead.

The most dangerous are those that look religious and demure … they speak with finesse … they seem refine and soft. They are the ones that you would never expect could break a plate ,the ones you would rely could never cause any trouble … as they would appear most honourable yet in them is an eye of envy … rivalry is their game and they murder your name just the same.

Some are best in times of need, they can talk of a million promises if just to convince you they are true. They may sound a hundred percent certain even prostitute themselves to be convincing, and set the picture of sincerity in their eyes for you to see. But might as well pray you do not see them when they get your favour they will surely change to a different colour .

Some are noisy as they can be…with every chance they tell their own stories … the louder they shout the more is their need to be heard … be it in action or in words you can see and hear that strong gush of air from their guts… they are in the world as non-achiever or even see them high in their profession but they are actually victims of depression begging to fill the emptiness and loneliness within them.

Some of us believe that fame is all that there is in this world … everywhere they may be , they aim for attention as madly as they can be … some do believe the action of life is always at the centre of the stage, they put a mask on their faces set on a bloated head. They sing and dance, they laugh and cry , they put their hands on anything in public … measuring success with each applause … yet they end a day looking funny; hungry and tired without someone by their side.

Usually missed on the list are those contented and at peace…they do stay quiet … and does not mind how crazy the world can get. They enjoy life listening to their own stories and those that remained near enough to be as close. In wisdom they accepted their weaknesses and limitations yet mastered their own strength. If invited they may watch other people’s show but leaves with understanding and without judgement, they are the ones that make the world grow

WHEN TOMORROW COMES

Written: June , 2007 Location: Timaru, Canterbury,NZ (2umyfriend)...friendship can stir a bond so strong that letting go may become so hard to do ... life was never meant to be spent alone ... yet the fact remains that we have our own lives to live ... most of the time we come to realize that nothing on this earth can be so good to last forever ...not even the love we feel to be the strongest for the moment ... if i can have my way ... i simply want to be happy ... to treasure every moment of friendship ... nurture it with respect and cares ... to love without fear ...to savour the moment as long as it lasts and when the day comes that one has to let go... live with what is left and graciously moved on ... i know you promised you will never leave me despite the possible complexities of our future lives but sometimes words are easier said than done ... goodluck! When tomorrow comes and you are gone I will remember no more of anything that we’ve been through Not because I cared less, nor regret the times I had with you But because losing would be too much; It is unfair to punish myself for love. When tomorrow comes And you will somehow be happy with someone else I will keep moving on, run miles and fly high Not possibly because I am happy as you are But I am to conquer my limits and convince myself I can When tomorrow comes and this time is past I know I will be as an empty shell But I need to live even with nothing For loving you i gave all and took none So loneliness is just at hand. When tomorrow finally comes The tears will ease the burden of hurt A smile may come to disguise the wounds in the heart For by then, I will be out of place in your life Guess it was not meant...even from the start..

How About Meeting A Dog

Dogs will never let you down, they are honest and faithful, they put others first but often worry too much. People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They care little for wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.They are most compatible with Snake, Rooster, and Rat people. Positive Traits: attentive, well meaning, helpful, warm-hearted, altruistic, modest, devoted, philosophical, dutiful, discreet, intelligent and enthusiastic Negative Traits:nasty, mean-spirited, disagreeable, bad-tempered, quarrelsome, accusing, nervous, anxious and (impossible to live with ... when push to the limits) General Description of All Dogs: Dogs can be a bit overwhelming, due in part to their attentive natures. They can march in and take control of a situation, even when it doesn't involve them directly. This can lead people to think Dogs are nosy or gossipy, but in reality, he just means well. Money and status don't matter to the Dog. He is more concerned with the welfare of his family and friends and will do whatever it takes to help them out of a tight squeeze or a rough spot. Once Dogs determine a subject of interest, they usually master that before taking off for a new adventure. They like to finish what they start. They are honest and trustworthy people, ethically strong and morally kept. They make loyal friends and companions. The Earth Dog: The earth Dog is clever and genuine. He is rational and supportive, stable and stoic. Earth gives this Dog an element of security, for he is inspiring and confident. These characters are just, certain to hear both sides before making a decision. He makes a great leader because he is such a trustworthy, diplomatic individual. The Piscean Dog: These Dogs are calm, relaxed individuals who need a relaxing environment. They make excellent caregivers and stable providers for their families. Dogs can be overly shy when making friends. If they are interested, they want to make certain you are as well before expressing any interest. They are emotionally sensitive people, who don't take wounds to the heart very easily. As a lover, Dogs are compassionate, supportive partners, eager to hear about your day at work or the project you just finished. They share the highs and lows of being in love, defending their partners to anyone who attacks them. Dogs always put their family first. They are wonderfully supportive parents who take great pride in the happiness and well-being of their children. They are selfless parents, content to wear the same old clothes so their children may have the stylish new ones. These parents make terrific, stoic role models for their children and keep close bonds with their offspring well after they've grown up. The Dog as a Child: Dog children are creative, able to entertain themselves for hours on end. They don't mind playing by themselves, often inventing games and puzzles while doing so. They are responsible children who love to take on and complete as many tasks as possible for it gives them a sense of accomplishment. The Dog as a Friend: Dogs are so easy to get along with and generally have a ton of friends. They are supportive and calming and make exceptional friends. They don't hold grudges or bear any bad feelings towards anyone who has treated them respectfully and justly. Dogs are excellent listeners, offering an ear to anyone in need. They are held in high regard by their friends and are loyal, honest friends. The Dog at Home: Dogs like clean residences. Not only straightened-up, but also deep cleaned. Changed sheets, washed clothes, dusted blinds and wiped down mirrors are only a few of the Dogs weekly chores. His home must be well-organized and easy to navigate all of the time. Dogs want to be comfortable and take luxury in overstuffed pillows, big, cushy couches and oversized recliners. Although they are open-minded, Dogs prefer to stick with traditional d cor when decorating a room. The Dog on Vacation: These people are people watchers. They are content watching different people walk by, listening to their conversations, watching their reactions. Dogs would enjoy a vacation with the entire family more than a romantic getaway. In this situation, Dogs are sure to make everyone happy by incorporating everybody's tastes and ideas into each thing they do together. Dogs are resourceful and eager to help out at work. Dogs will take on more work if it means less work for their peers. They enjoy learning new skills and as a result are cherished employees. A Dog's just and fair nature comes in handy when in positions of leadership where decisions have to be made. Well Suited Dog Occupations:Nurses, Interior decorators, Counselors, Clerks, Psychiatrists.

The Mathematics of Vanity

The majesty of its structure lingered in my thoughts. The big two-story house on top of the slope. It was located by the corner of the road. Massive windows open to the site of the bay down the opposite of a major highway.  The view of the hill was further. An awesome scene I should say, the house haunted my memories with the nostalgia of my childhood.

Time flew so fast, once our family used to sail towards the white sandy part of the bay in a bamboo raft. We did enjoy a swim. Time was when lark hovered swiftly over the coconut trees by day. Fireflies lighted the mangroves at night. Those things fascinated me in childhood.  They are all gone now. Soon I will leave the place too, how long I do not know.

If I can have my way, I would rather stay in the comfort and familiarity of my childhood hometown.  I am a big girl now. I have responsibilities and obligations at hand. I need to do my role in this drama of survival or face failure in my lifetime. 

What lies ahead is not certain but that house tells a story. The house was owned by my music teacher back in my primary years. The family migrated to the United States for a better life. I supposed by now, her children are all grown up and married with families of their own. That huge house says what the couple can now afford. 

I asked, who lives in that house? There is nobody I was told. A caretaker simply comes in regularly to clean its interior. I do not believe so much about unseen creatures but different versions of weird phenomena the neighbours talk about. The house has been deserted and they say it is haunted. I come to think about my teacher. She must be a couple of decades over my age. I know it is none of my business but maybe her knees must be a little sore by now. I wonder, will that magnificent staircase be not too much for my mentor to take? Then again, she does not live in that house she built. 

My cousin in Canada shared some of the good things that happened to some of our friends in that part of the world. She said a close friend invited her to their home one day. The friend showed off the huge screen and high-tech gadgets in each room of their home. Definitely nothing wrong with that, but the poor rich friend could hardly enjoy the sophistication of his abode. He works sixteen hours a day to raise the money to pay the loan. He hardly rests and badly needed some sleep. Our friend is too tired to switch any of the buttons of his entertainment set.

Once, I stared blankly at the passport on the dashboard of my car. My visa was ready. Soon I will go. Similarly, I am going out of the country for the money. I am a mother, tears rolled down my face. I called out to pray, oh Father in Heaven, I know nothing in this world is free. I am leaving the safety of my daughter for her future. If leading her astray is the bargain I must make I am not going anywhere.

I missed driving down that road. I missed the broom-broom of the engine as I slowed down my speed cruising down that slope. I am not blasting the music of the car radio if just to forget the stress. Now I am in some distant and foreign land. 

Several times, I catch up with my own people. We tend to group together for camaraderie. In these socials, culture and identity are manifested. Sometimes vanity glaringly comes into play. We do work hard and with all our sincere efforts tend to build and display things for fame, honour and recognition. Yet if our vanity is consuming our freedom and peace the mathematics of it all would simply be an equation of nullity.