OH NO!

i was working one day when a resident kept calling my name. I walked into her door to check. She was comfortably and safely seated somehow I draw near to ask her why. I said, ” hi, what’s up? ” She said, is that you? Nobody loves me, she said. She is blind.

At that instant I was caught up with mixed emotions. Love??? what is it? Everyday, people report to work to render services to everyone in the hospital. Everyone does the job, but does everyone ever care? I told myself, Oh no, I do not want to grow old - I do not want to be alone and lonely - I do not want to feel insecure.

I moved nearer to give my friend a hug. She started to laugh. I told her how things are - I said, you know I am just around and not an hour pass without me passing by your door and checking that you are alright. Somehow there are 23 others I need to see so please understand that you cannot hold my hand all the time. She started to realize to say something …oh Im sorry I am very demanding and selfish. I said, no you are alright but please do not cry because when I see you in tears, it brings me down as well and my work is affected.

She started laughing and held on me tighter. She said, Chiki I would like you to meet my son Bob. Oh, I did not realize that we had company. I had my back to the door and she was holding on me too close that I did not even realize that someone came in and she was clinging to his arm with her other hand.

I moved back and tried to look up. Oh noooooooooooooooooo, that big, beautiful grin of a man and the eyes !!! and we were so close hugging one confused soul. No, my breath stopped for a while… No, I can not believe this, why did I not notice he came in … my mouth dropped with disbelief … I had just lost my poise. He joked to say, yes my name is Bob that is when I am good but when she finds me naughty I am Robert. I managed a smile, and to save myself from further discomfort I said- alright now, Bob is here, he will keep you company so I must give you time to be together.

I locked myself inside the treatment room for a while. It was a million dollar smile but how could I allow myself to be caught in an embarrassing situation of looking into his eyes. Obviously I melted before him and it should not be. I tried to compose myself again and marched to the station. I pretended to read the charts. He left giving a side glance and a wave of the hand and I said, it was nice of you to come, thank you and take care!

I shared my admiration for the man with my colleagues and they were all in a positive note. Yes, everyone after all had noticed it - in fact I am the last to see it so far. I asked his mom - is Bob married? She said, yes dear he is and he is a very devoted husband and a good father. I said to myself - ah that is good but who knows? I joked with his mom - can you imagine your son smitten by me ? Hihihihi - so very naughty - and we both started to laugh.

Then a lady came in. I was just thinking she must be the wife. I watched what she did. She is a very gracious lady. She had shown concern and attention to my resident as if she were her own mom. She bought her nice clothes and accessories and her taste of moisturizers, lipstick and other stuff were brilliant. She told me, she is a nurse herself and had worked in a similar place that I am now. She thank me as she had seen me as a good girl ( she just did not know what I had in mind earlier).

I gave her a reassuring smile and said - I will do my very best to be kind to everyone. At the back of my thoughts I had to say - and that includes you. Fine and fair.

D Bug Is Sick

>>> i woke up with a splitting headache today and i feel very sick. i had an afternoon shift earlier and after i crossed the few meter distance from home to work i just realized my nose went runny and was sneezing profusely. the night was not very helpful, i had thought it was only some kind of dehydration which could be relieve by water and sleep. when i opened my eyes - i found my laptop upside down beside me in bed. i could tell, sleep was not really good enough as to have sent me tossing around.

i reached for the computer and realized i got a download error. i must have hit some keys that switched off my browser. my neck is sore, as i slept with my bulky headset not just the earphones. my friend came on line to request that i fill in for her shift - oh what a day !!!

finally i found the button to let the browser working - it took me to my blogpage. i tried to read what i had posted in the past and realized how " maldita " i can get. super - as i could recall how bad i felt when i wrote some of those angry posts. yesterday at work, my friend told me - he was reading my blogs and he was entertained by it. thanks a lot my friend - you are so kind to spare time to get into those stuff.

as i have explained to my friend - the things i posted there were only meant for people who needed it. friends who knew and understood what i was talking about and for them to learn from it. as we have drifted far and wide, just want to let them feel that i am still with them and within reach. that i continue to fight my own battle and win some challenges.

>>> as the year ends, i am caught by this post which reminded me of how one thought i have ignored and rejected her. this year, it could be that there are those who feel like her and so i decided to post it here as well.i am not perfect so many times i said - at times i may be too busy to miss things that seem minor yet have hurt others the worst. i need to say sorry ...

" it is not that you are unworthy of friendship that i have strayed from the attention that you have thrown my path; it is just that i respect everyone's efforts and should be fair for them to enjoy what they have earned from it.

it is not that you are unlovable that i ignored the care and kindness that you have shown on me; it is just that i am not as gracious as you are that i may fail to show the gratitude that you deserve.

it is not that you are less attractive, that i looked away from the sight of you; it is just that i am vain and may not be able to treasure the gem that is in your heart.

it is not that you are unpopular that i steered away from you, it is just that i am aware i am not good enough that i should keep some distance on the road.

for all that i have done, i may appear rude to you but sorry as i am to make you feel that way, deep in my heart i never mean to hurt you."

YOU

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE
AND OPEN LOCKED DOORS
MAKING MOMENTS OUT OF TIME
BRINGING THE SUN
WHERE THERE WAS NONE

YOU TOOK ME LIKE I WOULD
SOMEONE THAT I ONLY LOVE
HOW I WISHED SOMEDAY
YOU WILL CARE FOR ME
WITH A HEART THAT’S FREE

AT TIMES YOU MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE I AM THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARES ABOUT THE PAST
WHEN TODAY YOU HAVE ME
SURELY I AM NOT A MEMORY

AT TIMES I PRAY FOR TIME
TO LAST FOREVER KNOWING
I HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE YOU
MORE THAN THE REST
TO ME YOUR ARE THE BEST

SO WE MAKE LOVE LIKE
THERE’S NO ONE ELSE;
IF NOT FOR LOVE I WILL
THINK WE ARE ONLY BEAST
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AT LEAST

gorgeoushoney and bluechicbug

Complementary and supplementary that is what they are. They both live different and individual lives and together spell out their own criteria of camaraderie, excitement and fun. Both cool and calm, with a touch of lady-like qualities which could turn out into a big, hilarious outburst of humour and laughter when both are drawn together.

They poke bizarre jokes on each other without offense. They smile, raised eyebrows and keep themselves secure from external pressures all the same, yet is there with outstretched hands and shoulders for each other to hang on in times of need. Together, they do not go looking for words to say things in their minds ... they understand each other with just by the wink. In private, they know who their friends are and deal with the rest as civil as they can.

Both love each others lovers and loved-ones. They keep their own secrets that if there is anything at hand.( probably there is) Both keep their own circle of friends with which anyone of them can just slip to and out of it as is comfortable for them ... and this holds true both in personal and cyberspace.


As regards internet, gorgeous is the mentor- the bug the willing and consenting learner most of the hours. They share tunes, files, pictures, etc ... sometimes though, the learner finds more things than the mentor which may find the latter a wee bit behind.(just a wee bit, i said) As readily as the two can find enjoyment, pleasure and fun on things that accessibly come their way, one is always ready to rescue the other from potential traps and fall. The fact strengthened their bond all the more.

Across the miles, they conquered time and space and nurtured each others' friendship. They burn the line if just to keep in touch. They update themselves about the different worlds they have explored yet keep the glow of identity they have stood for. When challenged by failing connections they both manage to find some spaces to type their messages if just to keep those silly grins.

Most parts of their being they keep open to each other. Their minds and their hearts mostly leaving the soul a few to sacredly keep. They go to different churches yet they both go to almost the same shops, parlours, restos and gym.(that was before). They both dare grab the microphone if given a chance and are both comfortable with their mini-skirts and hair colour regardless of who cares.

Apart they share the hope of getting reunited if just to replay the past.

GOODBYE 2008:

A day after Christmas now and the supervisor told the bug to take a rest. She realized she needed it after all. Her bones felt the stress and when she was on the net with "man_n_bed" last night he told her she needed to go back to the gym.

The morning is quite cold, and it does feel good to spend some extra hours inside the duvet. The mind could not help but wander though, how has the year been? The thoughts could drift from every crevices in memory now.

The bug changed home and cities at least five times. Oh she could not believe that ! but she did. Time had put acquaintances into a sieve and sifted it for the bug to see who remained for her to take. They were at least the same old people and just a couple more. Yes, New Zealand friendship do exist and survive through time.

Professionally, she is so grateful for Heaven's blessings. At some point of confusion and total darkness divine intercession lead the bug out of the storm into one bright horizon and put the sun up to brighten her world. This could be the best that happen to D'Bug this year. It gave her the testimony of unconditional love and faithfulness of an ever powerful and bounteous Lover who never left her alone. This thing always bring tears of joy, amazement and humility to her soul.

As a bug are some points of learning and surely things to apologize for. The bug has realized how careless she has been with money. The bug at one time had mindlessly thrown her life into wasteful weaknesses and almost lose it all, now she has to pay the price. A broken wing has been mended, some bruises and abrasions healed - It was hard but in faith the bug can do it with her own - COOL,CALM and QUIET manner.

The Bug had spent sometime in the net attracting and accumulating too much virus to mess her computer. That is only a minor offense. Along the way of her journey, she had caused some eyebrows raised when husbands of wives were mesmerized spending more than enough time talking to her. The bug is sorry but never ever really dreamt of borrowing anyone of them ... she was just enjoying the conversation to stimulate her wits.

The bug was almost trapped by a tattooed and pierced creature. She was at one time fascinated with a voice that sounded romantic and soothing to lie beside her on some lonely nights. The romantic calisthenics with such an impersonal voice could never last. In times of depression, the bug hang on the strong instructions from a distant mentor and on some lonely nights slept with some kind of comfort from another distant "admirer". Everyone in this paragraph were all the bits and pieces of the different colours to the portrait of a bug's life. 2008 could never be the time for emotional delays the journey must move on.

Now D'Bug could smile. It may be a tough year with all such drastic and violent changes but so long 2008 ... life must go on.

Back Home :

I do write and keep a journal for my own personal use. It does not only make me remember things but it serves as my outlet where I can ventilate my thoughts and feelings. One time, the Bohemian Backpacker invited me to view her page. By then, I never had any idea what a blog was - and what I can do with it. Anyway, I realized my other friends Script of Life and 4Sides of Oblivion were in it as well and somehow I found a home for my mind and emotions.

My friends were all supportive and encouraging. Day after day, I tried to browse the things they wrote in their page yet being very new, I was possessed by the threat to my privacy. I closed everything from public view(paranoid-not so good). The Bohemian Backpacker guided me through the basic yet I did not have the luxury of time to do it. As they updated their space, I started sharing some of the files I kept in my personal computer.

Shortly though, another friend invited me to join Yahoo360 and about the same time, I realized there was also a blogspace in Friendster where most of the new acquaintances were hooked on. It was then that I decided to write different things in different spaces. I got into Friendster through the acquaintances I met during the King's experience. I wrote things for them there. Yahoo, I wanted to keep as my more private space, with whom I wanted to share with only the friend who invited me and those close to us. The Blogger I reserved for only the four - The Bohemian Backpacker, Script of Life, The 4sides of Oblivion and Echoes to meet.

When my computer got infected with all sorts of virus and started to malfunction, I realized I was losing access to some of the sites I was into. I could not remember the passwords there(poor thing). Anyway, I got into so many sites out of curiosity as when prompted by friends and never even think about going back to it. Now I learned my lessons - I will just keep myself within my own limits.

I checked my bookmarks and tried to find which door was kept opened. I also realized how I have carelessly registered my name in different sites. Now here I am - back home and catching up with the housekeeping with some windows opened for friends to peep into.

The Choice

He came into my life at a time when I was nursing a bad heart - everything was simply wrong and out of place. Then a lady acquaintance introduced him to me. This lady if I must remember had at one time gave me a nuisance admirer when she could not handle the guy right. I just realized she did it again this time.

The first time I heard the man talking - the air of arrogance was visible in his personality. He openly declared how he finds himself glamorous, and highly sought after . Then very shortly from that time of the acquaintance he readily became naughty.

At a distance I watch how far he would go, and I could tell that he was obviously one with a wild imagination and unbridled passions. Physically, he was attractive with his 6 feet stature, trimmed and athletic in built - he’s got the body that could make any clothes look good on and has obviously reminded me of my weakness.

Out of curiosity I dug into his photographs. A few shots took my attention - oh no I love the skin and the built minus the tattoos and piercing. No, I do not find him handsome but he can be ruggedly beautiful. Yes, he looks charismatic with a wide confident smile . I could imagine there never would be any dull moment with us together with the dynamic impulse of talent and fun. I thought of what could possibly be the other side of the man. Could it be that the other side of him may someday come out and we end up the best of friends.

He started inviting me to see him some future time. Although I kept the conversation open - deep within myself I was sure I was not ready to do it. The pictures I saw told me a story. I can not mess with my soul, not at this time when I am undergoing a spiritual reconstruction. I must be strong and never succumb to anything that I may never be able to rescue myself from. He must have sensed it or just realized that he did not want me after all.

Then he told me he was going some place. For days I did not see him. I realized I missed the man. My head told me I should be thankful for the chance to realize it was time to stop being silly about it however my emotion was stubborn to feel the emptiness . I saw him stood some distance and he knew I was there but he ignored me. I was a bit touched and affected. I told my friends about it and they laughed.

I laughed as well, the odd feeling of being ignored … it touches the pride but I should be alright. Very timely, acquaintances lost for ages started coming in to say hi again. One a lawyer kept hammering my brain with logic and told me that whatever affects me I should remember life is an art - that I hold the brush, pallet, and easel it is for me to paint the colour. The other one, he filled the hours with trust, understanding and admiration on my honesty and spirit.

I was never alone that I realized. In times when I needed something, succour come into place and true enough - I hold the brush and all that I needed and I am the only one who can paint my life’s portrait. I sat on the Sabbath meetings and thought how nice it should have been if I had him by my side. When I reached home, I finally took one last look at his picture , my breast tightened a bit and I smiled to say … it was nice having you but never again will I think of you.