WHY ?

Sunday morning and CM rang ... I was thinking it could be for his morning walk. When I entered his door a pleasant smile glowed on his face - he just wanted to know when I will be ready to assist him with his new routine. The smile caught my fancy - he used to be a difficult person who got irritated with almost anything . He hurled insults on almost all of us but he had changed. Now he is in control with his temper and is having a positive outlook with his life.

For reasons I did not bother to ask myself - I lingered opening his curtains to let more sunshine in. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I was not supposed to be working that day. CM said  "you have been working long hours these days and you must be tired " he did not want to stress me and was happy to wait - I recalled once before another man was occupying the same room. One night when I did my rounds I found the previous occupant still awake and in pain - I told tell him , hey you are in pain and you are not even ringing the bell - the man replied - he saw me working hard and doing long hours he wanted me to have a rest. I realized oh no, they are seeing things and they think - so I have to tell CM  - how the other nurse had a slipped disc and need to rest while I agreed to do her a favour by doing her shift and she will do my turn for the next.

CM was writing on his journal and he told me - everything in this life has a purpose.  He told me about how he started taking alcohol when he was in his teens and what a waste it was . The first time I heard of what CM was talking was in the church when we were taught that - Life on this Earth is not by accident and that everyone we meet in this life we already knew from the pre-existence by which for commitments we have made there we see each other again to walk together towards our divine destination. I love the thought for which I believe is no accident too - I need to hear it and love it for some reasons . It is this line of thought that I hang on everyday - moments can be easy or tough yet at the end of the day before I sleep I can only look back to ask - what happened today ? and on to the more crucial question - Why ?

Life is such a colourful show - it is a dynamic interaction of significant actors acting their roles in a spiritual drama . To the least this is my own  personal experience and belief and this is where my thoughts and emotion is anchored. People we get acquainted with - people we work with and work for - people who strengthen us with their loyalty - people who can only try to upset the balance of our energy - people who merely passed by and people we find hard to get rid off our minds - everyone and everything simply propels us to another experience that somehow pushes us into some direction in life . CM said, it is no accident that I was standing there before him and that we had to talk about what we were talking then. Further he said if we were friends in that spiritual existence that we once had maybe I was not female as I am now - and maybe he was not male as he is yet the purpose is not gender related but something our deeper self need to know.

By then I was like struck with  billions  of megavolts of light - in my mind that time was the thought of one soul - one man my heart can not just leave behind . I started laughing from the very first moment I knew his name yet we fought like the sun will never rise again. For a long time we ignored each other and at one point when I thought  I was ready to disregard him forever he came back. Then came one gruesome incident that I realized I needed to hold his hand  even without talking and just wanted him beside me not for anything but his company and he was there. One man who can be so very rude and mean but I can not leave for naught. And now as Westlife started singing Total Eclipse of the Heart I can only smile and say - oh funny but somewhat true - but then again - WHy ?

HARD TO UNDERSTAND:

The poor bug tossed and turned in bed all night and even most of the day. It was one of the regular weeks when the normally menacing virus takes a weekend shift. It was a Good Friday, a time for spiritual retreat to most Christians. A moment of the year when most people reflect on the amazing gift of grace, sacrifice and forgiveness for creatures destined to fall yet so well loved by its Maker that regardless of the tendency to get broken and damaged the hope to be cherished and cuddled back in loving arms faithfully existed.

Internet played its famous role that day. Out of a good chat came a sudden bad news. A member of the family died. We used to live in one house in an extended set up. Through our formative years, she was to be the youngest and the baby. Fast as time flies, everyone was kept busy in each ones diverse affairs even coping with ones chosen lot. We hardly see each other yet the memories of laughter, some frustrations, hopes and dreams do linger.

While she grew to be tall and a bit heavy I was more prepared to think that some related common malady cost her life. Terrified and badly broken I realized I was to hear the most horrible, brutal and evil deed I could hardly take. I frozed and trembled, filled with hatred and so much grief for a young vibrant life aiming for a brighter tomorrow. We have been taught and had laboured for what we have reaped in this life ... how unfair for anyone to think and simply ripped from her the fruit of her efforts.

Mortality is but synonymous with imperfections. Through all human frailties, no one deserves such intense hatred and brutality. I know the surviving victim. She has the most tender and loving heart I know is existing in this world. A devoted wife and enduring mother who had strong spiritual trust to withstand the endless trials she had encountered. In her advanced years, she does not deserve the pain, the terror and fright.

In this time of grief, I know there is not enough words to pacify a very distraught emotion and I choose to keep silent and keep my distance. In my mind, the happy and funny memories of childhood and even the last few moments we shared before I left the country will always stay. I could not understand, and I could not imagine how such wickedness exist in this world. I am writing trying to ventilate and ease my own tensed feelings ... I am not superstitious but last night I could smell the scent of formalin - I said to myself - she must be around to visit her ate - I dont know what to say or write to make myself feel better - I dont know - I really dont ... I want to cry but I am in so much disbelief and shock -  somehow sleeping with such troubled mind - I had dreams to say, she understands. May she rest in peace in the realms of perfection in the Kingdom of our Heavenly Parents where our own dear departed take its rest in Justice - Joy - and Love.