A few hours before the first day of calendar year 2009 and my cellphone started to vibrate. Personal messages came popping out on the screen of the computer as well. It will be New Year and my friends were in the mood of celebrating, sending greetings and wishing the best in the days to come. This has always been the scenario we are used to ... in some homes were elaborate preparation for an evening meal, fireworks, maybe wine, songs and dances. On my third New Year in NZ though I got sick.
Afternoon of New Year's day I was rostered to work and I got another call for a double shift - it had to be a NO this time. The bug needed to rest. So right after things were done I immediately headed for home to grab some sleep - my mind started to wander. Oh I never realized I got these people keeping me in their phone books or messenger lists.
R was rather a shy, quiet guy and he never came close to me in friendship but he surely remembered me when he said - "happy new year RN." One lady, who I have seen as a socially isolated and distant person impressed me with her message that goes ..."Hi Chiki, Happy New Year! Just wondering where you are now - should you have time to visit Auckland send me a message." Then a Thai lady I met on the train came in as well, we just met once during my competency course and had a meal at one of the shops in Porirua and she remembered well. Several others, through their own means came in wishing the bug well.
It made me think deeper now ... so many times I said - friends I only have a few but this time I asked myself have I been too insensitive to care for the others? A man keeps telling me ... you are extremely possessive ... and I must admit I am very exclusive. What is mine is mine otherwise it is not mine and I don't care where the others stray for as long as near or far I have the loyalty of the few I believed is mine.
So i come to think about the people who came my way. Flor is a young nice lady, she has her own story to tell. One night as we were talking just shortly before we went to sleep I told her. It hurts me to hurt other people but I had been incessantly provoked and had taken retaliation. My spirit is totally devastated now not for anyone but because I realized it has made me less of what I should have become. In all wisdom and understanding she replied, learn to forgive yourself and trust in God. If in goodness God allowed it to happen, you might just well be an instrument to unconsciously save a friend or make one person better.
Then is another person named Lee, she is absolutely soft spoken, any time and any season. When she is upset, she talks about it but she is always in her kindly pleasant manners. She calls me when it is time for tea breaks, she makes me feel like I am always taken cared of. My heart tells me she is absolutely a good person.
One afternoon, my co staff noticed how I got some extra affinity to one of our residents. He said, " why do you care for her so much, she is naughty is it because you can see your naughty self in her?" . The resident was an old, little darling to me. She has cancer, more she is confused by age. She upsets other residents when she opens and strays on others' doors. She gets curses for her wanderings but when people starts getting aggressive and mad she does not look a wee bit challenge and respond with her own cursings as well.I don't know but I really find it funny.
When she became too tired to get up, I made it a point to see her first every time I come to work. She would give me that peculiar naughty wink and smile, calls me little devil chicky chuck, ( whatever that means) and says " you are so kind, thank you dear. " She gets grumpy and hits when she is done, I believe it is only because she is in pain and probably because she is angry and on denial that she can not do most of the things anymore. One day when I voluntarily fed her, missing the time when we laughed and joked, she touched me by the shoulder and said " I am sorry dear."
I know most people see me as firm, yet calm and cool. One time, a resident simply sent me berserk. Her shrill voice, and her eh eh, no good, no good, enhanced by her pointing finger simply got into my nerves. Another staff saw me, and with empathy she finished the work. I went out of the room but before I reached the next door I realized I failed that time. I did not go near the resident for three days, till one day she waved her hand for me. I did not mind her but I realized she was after all right. It was time for her medication so I hurriedly went back. I told her, are you alright today? I have your medication with me. As if blown by some magical winds, she responded somewhat defeated and dismayed ... I am no good, no good .
So another calendar year has come with its own set of dates to live each day. The past year has gone and there were people I spent time with, maybe more time than I should and most of them who knows where ... yet many others I never had moments with but they came wishing me well. As another year starts I pray for my own heart. May it has room enough to accommodate everyone worthy of its cares and simply goes numb for those who are merely teasers.
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