TIME TO KEEP MY SIDE OF THE BARGAIN:

Sometime years ago while at work I had a gnawing lumbo-sacral pain that had intensified to the front of my stomach. I was about 90 kms away from my base which at that time was at least three hours ride up to my safety in a good hospital. The pain was excruciating, I started throwing up - I thought I was at the end of life and was thinking about my daughter who was very young with no one to be with - I knew I need to talk to God.

Poker faced, I took the front seat of the van with the rest of the passengers not knowing the intensity of my burden. I took a glance at my image on the side mirror to make sure that should I ran out of breath and slipped to oblivion, I will appear presentable enough. Closing my eyes to hide the suffering - I bargained with God : Please I said, my child is too young to be left alone and to manage a good future. Can I stay even until she finished school and if Thou think that I deserve more years let me do it to serve Thee for Thy greater honour and glory.

Humbling the experience, God helped me through the ordeal. From the van terminal I asked the driver to take me to the hospital - he was hesitant but took me anyway. For some reasons I had to be at a "general patronage" hospital. At the entrance, I grab my own wheelchair and wheeled myself to the emergency ward. While at the emergency ward, I rang my supervisor who was at a meeting and who sent my group leader to check on me. Alone, I had the priviledge to enjoy "faster" treatment by virtue of my connection to the office surely it was nothing compared to the comfort and style of the better hospital in my country. Family and friends came ready to assist my transfer but due to the urgency of my case the surgeon had to work on me as soon as possible. As there was no private room available I was in a ward with all the ailing and disadvantaged people. In short - I had surgery and was saved with almost no money being spent ... I had my own experience with the situation.

I went back to work and was able to live the life me and my daughter normally had. Things happened till the pressure of leaving the country came. I had other plans but circumstances brought me to New Zealand. Starting a life in a new and strange place, I had to strip myself of the seal that was labeled on me for a time. I am to become a stranger, unknown and alone - I needed to start building a name and establish an identity even cheated and used by my  own fellowman.  Two  years as a care-giver I experienced and learned things that taught me humility, patience and self control. Then was the dramatic struggle and impressive work of art that Divine intervention ceremoniously testified on my success.

I was taken from administrative nursing to the clinical field at a Long Term Care ward. Time and again, I am reminded of my side of the bargain and what better time for Him to tell me when He registered me a nurse in New Zealand just in time when my daughter finished school. By then I understood the message - time for me to keep my side of the bargain - I am to manifest His glory to where He has taken and put me into. As I deal with my job I am strengthened by my day to day relationship with the residents - I can recall a similar phrase being told to me by at least five of the people I have served ... I am different, I am more than a nurse they say.

If just for the Plan that He has which I know can only be for the best - I believed Miracles are happening and will continue to happen. In my imperfections, He has allowed me to enjoy so much attention, care and love. He gives me ample time to rest and think. He puts me in the right places at the right time and all with His generous support. He uses and measures the perfect ingredients to purify my spirit and takes me to fight the right challenges to strengthen my intellect yet shield me with the right armour against destruction. Now I Praised the Holy Name of my God the Father of my soul... He has worked to give me Peace ...  So be it.

THE OTHER SIDE OF ME :

Deep in my heart I know Divinity. I look around and even into my own life surely I find wonders and splendour beyond what human logic can comprehend. Somehow even in the lamiest of worldly vanities I am compounded and kept away from the intimacy of my God. Many instances in my lifetime, the Father of my soul has faithfully testified of His love and power supporting my existence in this temporal world - he knows my heart - yet frail is my flesh I can fall sometimes even ruin His temple.

It upsets me to realize what a ferocious and fearless enemy I can become. My vengeance can be endless. Sometimes I look at the mirror and wonder how my friends could find me kind and pure in heart when at the end of my patience I can be a monster. Like a spoiled child having tantrums I can feel the Father's warm and tender arms holding me close trying to pacify and ease my anger. Yes I have been given much - I have been given favours others are begging to have - it is time to give others the chance to enjoy some of what I got.

Twice, a friend told me - Divine plan is greater than my mistake - surely I know somehow I just have to choose to be humble and trust in the wisdom of God. In life are choices and living is a matter of making decisions - more in the end of it all glory is judged as to learnings,  progress, achievements based on the criteria of faith and righteouness. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable considering that everything has a reason and purpose for being and how I have to deal with people I am bound to get back and get even. It is never my desire to hurt but how I easily get prompted with any form of abuse.

To all my friends this I have accepted - the positive side you see is just a part of me. I am mortal and I am not perfect - if you my friend wish to help me please strengthen me with honesty and sincerity. My humour and patience could be long but this is no guarantee you are free when you abuse me.