It was the third day since he left and the kindly smile, the innocent grin and the lovely spirit still linger inside the walls which was his home for sometime. I walked the familiar hallway, sat in the office trying to pull out a chart to document the things done during the shift. I know the door is right beside me - there I used to always have something to think about. But it is empty now - nothing but all donated stuff - the things he used to have which the family wanted to give to whoever would make use of it.
I remember the first time I came to work. He was one man aged in years but childlike in spirit. For a while he started wandering and unconsciously opened unwelcoming doors. He tried to move around, doing what he must have done in his younger years. He picked up feeders and flannels left on the trolley thinking that it should be kept somewhere else. He could be seen wiping tables and walls - a sign that he could have been a neat and orderly man in better times. But times had changed - he was overcome by years.
He had an amazing life history. He had saved a life in a fire while risking and compromising his own. From then on - he had such endless bout of respiratory problem that put him in regular antibiotics of a higher generation. Nurses are normally challenged by odd behaviours. At times when things can get rough and bells started ringing here and there - a nurse can be brought at wits end but not when it comes to Gordon. He was disoriented. He cannot ring the bell for his needs except when he plays with it. He knows where his shavers are and has memories of what it is for. He knows where his shirts are and makes a fuss with them. He can be seen opening the cookie jar and stuffing his pockets but he was never a pain in the neck. His very cool behaviour brings a smile into our faces, he brings out something that made us want to be patient and doting. He reminds me of the song " He aint Heavy He's My Brother "
Maybe it was his least demanding nature that I want to make sure that I do not forget him. Weeks prior the day - we noticed that he was eating less and was more sleepy than usual. As a leader of the team, I was aware that the staff were giving him extra attention. When he was getting less cooperative with his medications, it was so easy for me to sit down with pudding, ice cream or his favorite drink and make sure he gets every pill due for him to take. When I go on night shift - he was one of those prioritized for monitoring lest he rolls or slide down the floor.
The last few days we decided to put a protective mattress down his bedside in case he falls. One night I saw him sitting on it wrapped with his blanket. He was smiling like a child as if he was into some kind of funny and enjoyable play. The last day I saw him up the lounge - he was sleeping on the lazy boy. I took his temperature thinking he might have an impending flu but it was alright. Something in him seem to say that he was tired but I can see the fondness of most of the staff on him that I was quite sure no one was ready to part with him and I was happy for the attention and cares that he was getting.
That Sunday was my day off from work. When I came back in the afternoon of Monday - it was unbelievable for me to hear that he was going. To be told that he is sick is alright but not quite the fact that he was dying. I went to see him inside his room - he was all down and very ill and his family were there. Deep in my thoughts I know that he deserved the best care that I can give. I took the best pajama that I can get from his drawer and decided that I should give him a wash. The moment I wet the flannel my chest got so tight - I cant stand it and had to go back to the station.
I was angry, I was sad. I can not help it I had to cry. My fellow nurse told me - I need to be strong. I had to compose myself again as there are other patients to attend to but I was crying like a small child. I opened the medicine trolley for no reason - grab a tissue and ventilate my emotion. I do not have the luxury of time to continue crying - somehow I need to be thinking straight. I went back to the room and finished what I have started. The family decided to go outside and let me do my thing. Everything came back to me - from the time when I was doing a caregiver role and was doing his bedside cares till now that I got my registration and is a full-time nurse.
Late in my shift, my working partner managed to sit with him. He woke up and was drinking his favorite drink. Yra took the time to feed him and as I dropped by to check - he flashed that familiar smile - so full of life - his eyes so clear as if awaken from a very nice sleep. I called out his name and gave him an approving sign. He was awake and for a while I had the hope that he will recover and be well in the morning. All worries drained off my nerves. The bell started ringing and other patients need to be attended. I had to finished the charts and just when I was about to write Yra called back.
Gordon is not breathing. OH no ... how unfair !!! the SMILE - I did not realize it was a farewell. Yra and I were standing at each side of his bed... Yra said, how it hurts Ate ... I said... I know. He woke up just to smile to us. We shook our heads - nothing more we can do. He had to go and we must let him be. I rang his family and his doctor. With all tenderness, we washed him again, changed everything to clean ones and handed-over the incident to the next shift's staff. The SMILE: no more.
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